Mineral Wash Chambray Joggers

Awwwwwwwwwwww, SHIT!

acid2

Mineral Wash Chambray Joggers: $17.90

These dope ass joggers that are definitely NOT acid washed sweat pants are in FULL EFFECT, ya’ll.

These bad boys have been expertly crafted to attract HELLA fly honeys.

CHECK IT.

acidbutt

Mmm-mmm-MMMM!

I don’t even have to SAY it. It’s the PERFECT silhouette. Lady on top, off-duty Vanilla Ice impersonator on the bottom. SO GLAD this is in style right now. DAMN, we are living the DREAM.

Word to Your Mother, Forever21.

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Shop at Forever 21 Tee

Honestly.

only

Shop at Forever 21 Tee: $15.90

Are we bragging about this now? And $15.90? They’d have to pay ME to wear that, thing. Not only are you a walking advertisement for Forever 21, you’re also putting your own self on blast.

This is t-shirt equivalent of Madonna’s Instagram. It’s tacky, it’s trying too hard and everyone around it just feels embarrassed for it.

madonna

Can we talk about this for a second? Madonna’s Instagram is the most confusing thing in my life right now. It’s like her consciousness has been forcefully inhabited by the souls of all our dead grandparents and one REALLY dominant stripper and their fight for control of The Entity Known as Madonna is playing out through heavily altered, sexual images and posts you’d expect to see on r/forwardsfromgrandma.

Exhibit B:

puppymadonna

Ugh. Call me when she starts blaming everything on Obama.

Forever 21 and Madonna, WTF?

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Faux Leather Charm Necklace

Has the Coachella themed fashion trend pervading retailers this Spring gone too far?

CRYSTAL

Faux Leather Charm Necklace: $4.90

Hold on, let me consult the fake crystal in this tiny pouch I’m wearing around my neck.

Hmm. That doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I’m getting some vibe interference from these sandals that look like they belong to a lesbian fairy.

jellies

Glittered Jelly Sandals: $15.90

You know what? Let’s just leave the answer up to this acid wash nightmare fuel which I have generously provided with the googly eyes it so richly deserves (and needs to start eating babies and souls).

acid

Forever 21, WTF?

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Married to the Mob

On top of trying to make body chains happen, Forever 21 is now selling $68 designer sweatshirts.

married

Married to the Mob Raglan Sweatshirt: $68.00

I guess they’re hoping the same people who are in the market for discount crocheted head wraps and $5 faux stone bolo tie necklaces are going to be interested in throwing down nearly six bottles of Barefoot Bubbly worth of money on literally a sweater.

On second thought, this might be genius.

Forever 21, Yes, I Sometimes Measure the Cost of Things in Booze. I Don’t Need Your Judgement.

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Insane in the Body Chains

Good news for people whose parents never paid them enough attention, and Rhianna.

bodychain

Layered Shoulder Chain: $10.90

Forever 21 is now carrying an unnecessarily wide variety of body chains for people to purchase with money they could have used on LITERALLY anything else.

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Layered V-Neck Body Chain: $15.90

I feel like this is not MEANT to look like a series of increasingly large cow udders cascading across her torso, but I guess I see what I want to see.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Charmsies Iridescent Mix Hair Charms

Ok, but… these are hair stickers, though.

haircharms

Charmsies Iridescent Mix Hair Charms: $10.00

Is it bad that I IMMEDIATELY want to put these in my pubes? Just grow out a full, Rick Ross beard style bush and rock these little pearly stickers in it.

rickrossbeard

DAYAM. So Sophisticated.

Forever 21, Stop Making It Impossible for me to Not Put Stickers on my Bush.

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Fringed Faux Leather Backpack

I feel like any second that thing is going to gush out a paralyzing agent into her face, become animate and plant its eggs in her slender, warm torso.

backpack

Fringed Faux Leather Backpack: $35.90

It looks like she’s wearing an evolved version of one of the face huggers from the next Aliens movies on her back and this thing is going pop out of her at some point, only Ke$ha will be playing in the background for some reason and instead of blood all over the place it will be just be a potent mixture of glitter, Astroglide and Beyonce’s Heat fragrance.

alien

I may be projecting a fantasy here.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Varsity Striped Tulle Overlay Skirt

Ugh. These look like Wednesday Adams’ gym clothes.

wednesday skirt

Varsity-Striped Tulle Overlay Skirt: $34.90

Someone tell Marilyn Manson his “play skirt” is missing.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Genuine Suede Fringe Halter Top

Besides the obvious occasions, like winning first place for the worst Pocahontas cosplay ever or fucking Coachella, I’m wondering under what circumstances any of us would wear this.

fringetop

Genuine Suede Fringe Halter Top: $24.90

This must be for people who live their lives like a drum circle could break out any moment. Like Matthew McConaughey or Ed Begley Jr.┬áDamn. What I wouldn’t give to see the “Who wore it best” for that pair.

Forever 21, WTF.

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Weirdo Crop Top

See, this pisses me off to no end.

weirdo

Weirdo Crop Top: $12.90

Those of us who are truly weird know this is just a try-hard attempt on the part of certified Basic Bitches to make themselves seem more interesting.

Guess what – if you’re weird you won’t need a crop top for people to know it. This is like a neck beard in a fedora wearing a shirt that says, “Nice Guy” or “Rage filled Virgin” or Taylor Swift wearing a top that says, “I’m really a lizard being from the planet Lippglozz wearing a human woman’s skin.”

THERE IS NO NEED FOR A SHIRT – WE KNOW.

Forever 21, WTF?

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