Married to the Mob

On top of trying to make body chains happen, Forever 21 is now selling $68 designer sweatshirts.

married

Married to the Mob Raglan Sweatshirt: $68.00

I guess they’re hoping the same people who are in the market for discount crocheted head wraps and $5 faux stone bolo tie necklaces are going to be interested in throwing down nearly six bottles of Barefoot Bubbly worth of money on literally a sweater.

On second thought, this might be genius.

Forever 21, Yes, I Sometimes Measure the Cost of Things in Booze. I Don’t Need Your Judgement.

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Insane in the Body Chains

Good news for people whose parents never paid them enough attention, and Rhianna.

bodychain

Layered Shoulder Chain: $10.90

Forever 21 is now carrying an unnecessarily wide variety of body chains for people to purchase with money they could have used on LITERALLY anything else.

bodychain2

Layered V-Neck Body Chain: $15.90

I feel like this is not MEANT to look like a series of increasingly large cow udders cascading across her torso, but I guess I see what I want to see.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Charmsies Iridescent Mix Hair Charms

Ok, but… these are hair stickers, though.

haircharms

Charmsies Iridescent Mix Hair Charms: $10.00

Is it bad that I IMMEDIATELY want to put these in my pubes? Just grow out a full, Rick Ross beard style bush and rock these little pearly stickers in it.

rickrossbeard

DAYAM. So Sophisticated.

Forever 21, Stop Making It Impossible for me to Not Put Stickers on my Bush.

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Fringed Faux Leather Backpack

I feel like any second that thing is going to gush out a paralyzing agent into her face, become animate and plant its eggs in her slender, warm torso.

backpack

Fringed Faux Leather Backpack: $35.90

It looks like she’s wearing an evolved version of one of the face huggers from the next Aliens movies on her back and this thing is going pop out of her at some point, only Ke$ha will be playing in the background for some reason and instead of blood all over the place it will be just be a potent mixture of glitter, Astroglide and Beyonce’s Heat fragrance.

alien

I may be projecting a fantasy here.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Varsity Striped Tulle Overlay Skirt

Ugh. These look like Wednesday Adams’ gym clothes.

wednesday skirt

Varsity-Striped Tulle Overlay Skirt: $34.90

Someone tell Marilyn Manson his “play skirt” is missing.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Genuine Suede Fringe Halter Top

Besides the obvious occasions, like winning first place for the worst Pocahontas cosplay ever or fucking Coachella, I’m wondering under what circumstances any of us would wear this.

fringetop

Genuine Suede Fringe Halter Top: $24.90

This must be for people who live their lives like a drum circle could break out any moment. Like Matthew McConaughey or Ed Begley Jr.┬áDamn. What I wouldn’t give to see the “Who wore it best” for that pair.

Forever 21, WTF.

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Weirdo Crop Top

See, this pisses me off to no end.

weirdo

Weirdo Crop Top: $12.90

Those of us who are truly weird know this is just a try-hard attempt on the part of certified Basic Bitches to make themselves seem more interesting.

Guess what – if you’re weird you won’t need a crop top for people to know it. This is like a neck beard in a fedora wearing a shirt that says, “Nice Guy” or “Rage filled Virgin” or Taylor Swift wearing a top that says, “I’m really a lizard being from the planet Lippglozz wearing a human woman’s skin.”

THERE IS NO NEED FOR A SHIRT – WE KNOW.

Forever 21, WTF?

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The Illest Crew Socks

Oh my.

OddSocks

Odd Sox The Illest Crew Socks: $14.90

Just so we’re all clear, what we’re looking at is a pair of socks with a teddy bear wearing a crown, a gold chain and a Cosby sweater that bleeds down through the length of the sock, ending just before the tippy toes.

I feel like this bear is what Kanye West sees when he looks in the mirror. The only redeeming quality of these is the name. “The Illest Crew Socks” sounds like a line from a Lonely Planet song about office thug life.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Favorite Destroyed Boyfriend Jeans

I think someone has confused the word, “boyfriend” with “mom” and “destroyed” with “should be cut up and used as dust rags.”

boyfriend mom jeans

Favorite Destroyed Boyfriend Jeans: $34.80

mom jeans

These jeans are like, super mom jeans. These jeans could probably run the carpool to soccer practice BY THEMSELVES. At any moment they’re going to gain sentience and start sending us all chain Facebook statuses and passive aggressively clean our apartments when they come into town.

They’re like the embodiment of your mom trying to be “hip” – in jean form. I feel like I’m looking at the haphazard result of a Redbook tutorial on how to “Turn those Old Dungarees in Trendy Boyfriend Jeans”

Forever 21, WTF?

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Forever 21′s Most Cringe-Worthy New Items

You know how when you see someone and they do something or wear something or say something SO EMBARRASSING for them YOU get embarrassed?

This collection of garments and accessories is like that feeling personified.

THUGshirt

I can feel the tingle of shame rolling through my delighted body just looking at these.

SWAGsocks

LAME.

SNOBshirt

Right. Because glitter is only worn by the upper crust. And I get that this is trying to be ironic. I also get that it’s fucking failing.

NERDhat

UGH.

GANGSTAhat

Wanksta.

BOSSshirt

Like a Person who Just Discovered Memes Yesterday.

awesomeHAT

#TryingTooHard

Forever 21, WTF?

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