Favorite Destroyed Boyfriend Jeans

I think someone has confused the word, “boyfriend” with “mom” and “destroyed” with “should be cut up and used as dust rags.”

boyfriend mom jeans

Favorite Destroyed Boyfriend Jeans: $34.80

mom jeans

These jeans are like, super mom jeans. These jeans could probably run the carpool to soccer practice BY THEMSELVES. At any moment they’re going to gain sentience and start sending us all chain Facebook statuses and passive aggressively clean our apartments when they come into town.

They’re like the embodiment of your mom trying to be “hip” – in jean form. I feel like I’m looking at the haphazard result of a Redbook tutorial on how to “Turn those Old Dungarees in Trendy Boyfriend Jeans”

Forever 21, WTF?

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Forever 21′s Most Cringe-Worthy New Items

You know how when you see someone and they do something or wear something or say something SO EMBARRASSING for them YOU get embarrassed?

This collection of garments and accessories is like that feeling personified.

THUGshirt

I can feel the tingle of shame rolling through my delighted body just looking at these.

SWAGsocks

LAME.

SNOBshirt

Right. Because glitter is only worn by the upper crust. And I get that this is trying to be ironic. I also get that it’s fucking failing.

NERDhat

UGH.

GANGSTAhat

Wanksta.

BOSSshirt

Like a Person who Just Discovered Memes Yesterday.

awesomeHAT

#TryingTooHard

Forever 21, WTF?

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Forever 21′s Dirty, Ripped Up, Busted Secret

Upon my last visit to the day-glow, cheap shit gigolo that is Forever 21, I made the grave (and hilarious) error of forgetting where the fuck I was and expecting their sales rack to contain something other than filthy, tattered rags.

Forever 21 Ripped Dress

Forever 21 Ripped Dress

Forever 21 Ripped Dress

Now, some of you may be looking at these photos and saying, “Rachel, come on! It’s the sale rack at Forever 21. What do you expect?”

Forever 21 Ripped Dress

I can hear you saying it in your nasally little voices right now. It’s the same tone of voice that your annoying friend uses when she is informing you that the classic rules of Monopoly say no one gets the money in free parking or that you actually did deserve that speeding ticket when you were running late to see Don Jon.

It doesn’t matter what I EXPECT. If I lived my life expecting people (which corporations are – thanks, Romney) to try to sell me turds rolled in glitter with price tags on them at every turn, I’d never leave the house. Especially when I can order them on Amazon from the comfort of my couch, fuck-you-very-much.

For the un-initiated, when a garment is this rough looking…

Forever 21 Ripped Dress

this trashed…

Forever 21 Ripped Shirt

and this generally effed…

Forever 21 Ripped Top

you damage it. Meaning you mark it as a damaged, unsaleable piece of shit and take it off the sales floor because, how embarrassing, we don’t want our customers to think homeless people routinely come into the store and just switch whatever they have on for what’s on the hangar in front of them.

Forever 21 Ripped Shirt

Well, ok, fine. Given that pretty much all Forever 21 stores cover enough square footage to comfortably accommodate a weight watchers meeting for pachyderms, I gave them  a small amount of leeway and conducted a little experiment to see what the employees would do (or rather, what their beaten down, age-inappropriately dressed manager would do) when confronted with damaged merchandise.

I took one of the sweaters to the cashier and attempted, with a face as straight as Linda and Esther Chang’s pubic hairs, to purchase the item.

Forever 21 Ripped Sweater

“Sure! Oh, is this supposed to be this way?” asked the sales associate as he turned the fretted rag over in his perfectly manicured hands.

“I don’t think so. Actually, I was going to ask if I could get a discount for the damage,” I replied, innocent and doe eyed.

This is the point at which in any respectable store, the sales associate would give the garment a once-over and reply, “Actually, this looks way too damaged for us to sell. I am going to have to mark it as such. I will offer you a 10% discount on any other full sale item in the store. Sorry about that.”

What ACTUALLY happened, is he said he had to get his manager, who then told me the item was already on sale BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE and that she would not discount it further. That I could still purchase this rag, if I wanted to, but only at the price as marked.

So apparently, instead of taking severely damaged merchandise off the floor and creating some semblance of dignity and respect for the wares they expect people to spend hard earned money on, Forever 21 would rather be in the business of trying to sell people scrap fabric covered in cheap sequins and clutches that look like they belong to a manic depressive drag queen with shaky hands.

Forever 21 Purse Gross

And before you go protesting that “Forever 21 is a fast fashion store! Their clothes are cheap! I don’t expect them to treat their own merchandise (which could eventually become a part if MY wardrobe) with respect,” THINK about that statement and realize that you are culpable in how this company and many others do bad business.

If we don’t hold chains like Forever 21 to even a little bit of a standard, then they won’t have any standard to meet. They’ll do things like rip off small, independent designers, treat their employees like shit and contribute to the scourge of sweat shop labor (allegedly).

So the next time you shell out $9.99 on a damaged top at Forever 21 because “oh, I can just fix it at home” or “It’s just so CHEAP!” remember that you’re not in a charity thrift store. You’re contributing to a billion dollar corporation with arguably questionable ethics and a calculating eye on the bottom line.

An eye they apparently choose to turn blind when confronted with shit like this:

Forever 21 Filthy

Forever 21, WTF?

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Roaring Lion Muscle Tee

There’s a few things I absolutely call fuckery on here.

lioncross

Roaring Lion Muscle Tee: $13.80

Things I Have Issues with:

1. MUSCLE TEES mixed with pork pie hats. Where are you headed in this? Unless you are about to play a jazz flute solo in a smokey San Diego lounge and then directly after that about to change the oil in your classic ‘stang, you’re most probably doing this hat wrong.

How do I know this? Because those two things would not be done by the same person, let alone in the same outing.

anchorman-flute

Get it together.

2. The LION DISPLAYING IT’S ZEBRA MANGLERS from inside the cross. Is this supposed to be some thing about the lamb and the shepherd and the holy big cat? Am I missing a piece of the puzzle? ‘Cus all your girl can think about is injured wilder beasts and the lions who love them.

Could this be altered so that anything fierce and majestic can be inserted into the cross?

divine

Can we just place anything in there and make it work?

willcross

Given how amazing these versions look, I’m going to say yes and move on.

Things I Surprisingly Do Not Have an Issue with:

The coochy shorts. If a lady wants to risk a yeast infection and a wicked jean burn on her muff flaps for the sake of fashion, that’s between her and her busy gynecologist. I ain’t even mad.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Those Party Bitches

NeonHatPartyBitch

ChevronPartyBitch

PinkPartyBitch

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Bejeweled Leggings for That Party Bitch

Every now and then, a person pops into our lives who knows how to party.

This is the girl who bleaches her hair, then dyes it, then bleaches it again only to chop it all off the next week.

She swears and smokes and talks shit and rolls joints like a robot made specifically for the purpose of swearing, smoking, talking shit and rolling joints.

She’s a fucking tidal wave. A typhoon with a twister strapped to her back. She dances like a lunatic, makes plans and then breaks them and touches your boyfriend on the chest and thigh in the living room while you’re ralphing in a bucket because you tried to keep up with her wild ass and FAILED because you have organs inside your body and not just hollow storage spaces for narcotics and liquor to gather.

In short, she’s a terrible human being.

We call her, “That Party Bitch.”

These are her leggings.

BejeweledLeggings

BejeweledLeggingsReview

It’s too bad they’re so fragile. That Party Bitch does NOT do hand wash.

Forever 21, Why Are you Setting That Party Bitch Up for Failure?

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When Knees Cry

WhenKneesCry

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Titty Crosses

Sheer shirt. Cut off shorts. Inexplicable hat worn in inexplicable fashion. DEATH STARE.

tittiecrosses

But the real hero in this ensemble? The phrase that I will now be using to replace any expletives I use for the next week?

Well, that’d be Titty Crosses, my friend.

TITTY CROSSES.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Your Sense of Style is in Another Castle

Sometimes a garment can speak for itself.

spiked metallic sweater2

And you’d think a silver metallic, chain mail sweater with a King Koopa shoulder spike would have plenty to say.

spiked metallic sweater

But sometimes, like this time, it’s better to heed the words of others.

chemical

Forever 21, WTF?

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Space Shoes – Watch Out!

spaceshoestogether

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