Unless you’ve been living under a large rock for the past few months, you’ve probably heard some kind of news on the Republican presidential candidates. (Honestly, even if you did live under a rock you’ve probably heard some news about it – what kind of rock doesn’t have Internet access now a days?)
As the 2012 elections draw near and candidates begin to release their ads, both attack and otherwise, I have a feeling we’ll all be treated to a parade of corporately funded WTF the likes of which our airwaves and internets have scarcely seen.
Exhibit A: Herman Cain’s ad which was just dropped in my inbox by a friend.
I think YouTube commenter JohnVogel561 sums this up best, “… that smile at the end. Have you ever farted, and tried not to get caught, but the smell is so God Awful, that someone calls you out on it, and all you can do is smile, well that is what that last scene looks like.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking – Rachel, politics are boring. Rachel, what does this have to do with fashion? Rachel, Herman Cain looks like a broke ass, busted, creepier version of Samuel L. Jackson.
Yes, nothing and yes. But for the simple fact of this ad making me laugh until my ass literally fell off my body, I am dedicating this Wonderful Wednesday to the Republican candidates.
How am I dedicating it to them? By featuring items I think embody the spirit and persona of each candidate’s recent campaign ads.
Patchwork Denim Maxi: $24.80
These pretty well sum up Herman Cain’s ad. At first glance, you THINK you know what it’s about. Fine, those are high waisted, booty destroying Mom Jeans. Fine. But then they start smoking a cigarette and you’re all like, “What? Is that a quilt-like swath of material coming out the crotch? Why would they do that with jeans?” And then you see them start smiling super slowly. And then you see that super slow smile turn into a creepy, Bond villain chuckle and it hits you.
Those aren’t jeans at all. It’s ugliest skirt you’ve ever seen. And it’s running for president.
You’re welcome, America. It’s Wonderful Wednesday.
This attack is a double whammy from candidate Rick Perry and it focuses on both Mitt Romney and President Obama.
It starts off quiet and builds to a crazy, thunder and lighting, action movie epic of wagging fingers and dramatic pauses that would make The Da Vinci Code trailer blush. I expected a clip in the middle somewhere of Bruce Willis running, only to leap forwards, narrowly escaping an exploding lumber yard.
What item of clothing could possibly ever hope to match the epicness of a string instrument crescendo played over slick visuals with punctuating thunder claps?
Faux Mink Vest: $34.80
BOOM. Extended length, silky smooth, MINK. FUCKING. VEST.
This bad bitch makes a statement and that statement is, “Check out how nice my production values are. You can SUCK it, Romney.”
Mitt Romney’s attack ad on Rick Perry feels less like an attack ad and more like a Powerpoint presentation with a little video thrown in here and there.
The music isn’t particularly over the top sensationalized and the only real moment of action appears when a large tumbleweed shoots out from behind the camera and goes rolling down a desert road.
Zippered Surplice Jumper: $27.80
Not really a jumper/romper and more like an ill-fitting bodysuit, this stark and rather lackluster item looks like it was constructed by a computer whose only directive is to make boring clothes. Let’s face it – unless you’re Diane von Furstenberg, when the most interesting detail on a piece of clothing is the wrap top (or a tumbleweed), you’re probably in a bit of trouble.
Right. Because you want to make an already difficult, stressful situation EVEN HARDER. This is not a campaign ad from Bachmann because, as far as I can tell from research online, she hasn’t released any real ads yet, other than a video on her YouTube channel which consists of little more than her pointing those plastic doll eyes at the camera and yapping about her stance on abortion and gay marriage.
Feathered Beret: $8.80
Hats in general, especially berets, are already complicated to pull off really well without some genius adding a mess of pigeon feathers to the mix. Just when you think you’ve come to grips with your decision to wear something as affected as a hat in your every day wardrobe choices, they kick it up a notch by making the visage of plumage and the sound of ruffling feathers mandatory when you’re about to buy the damned thing? Fuck you.
Republican Candidates, WTF?