Wonderful Wednesday: Big Boobs Bonanza

I don’t know if you guys know this, and I don’t mean to brag, but I am hella stacked.

If someone were going to write my biography tomorrow, the title could easily be, “Big Titties: The Gift and the Curse.”

The gift, because yes, sometimes having an ample bust can be a blessing. Like if you need to get out of a traffic ticket. Or if your main goal in life is to have someone at some point make it rain on you or spray Andre all over your ass.

If you have big tatties, these are the avenues of glory which for you are wide open.

But bountiful breastisses can also be a burden, especially when it comes to dressing them.

Well, my chesty sisters, prepare to be set free.

This is Wonderful Wednesday.

Okay, so Dolly Parton is not exactly the grand arbiter when it comes to matters of tastefully dressing a pair of tits, HOWEVER, in this photo she is masterfully using one of my all time favorite chesty dressing tricks.

Ladies (and gentlemen who have come here from a misguided Google search), may I present to you, the tight, revealing top and cardigan combo!

This is a call to all women with big boobs and boobs in general:

IF YOU HAVE NOT YET GONE OUT IN THE WORLD WITH AT LEAST 50% OF YOUR BREASTS EXPOSED TO THE LIGHT, YOU HAVE NOT LIVED.

Honestly, why do you think ever Real Housewife always has her hooters hanging out on Bravo? Because they’re mostly a bunch of insecure, time fighting, overgrown adolescents who have used their sexuality as a daily tool for so long they don’t know how to switch it off and just act like a normal person? YES. But also, because having your tits out feels, and with the right accessories, can look awesome.

It’s also very, very versatile and never objectionable.

By layering the cardigan around and, at your will, OVER the buffet of boobs, you somehow mitigate any sluttiness while still enjoying an ample show of cleavage.

It’s fucking diabolical.

OBSERVE:

Casual titties and cardigan

Knit Halter Bodysuit: $6.80

Open Yoke Cardigan: $19.80

Comic-Con Titties and Cardigan

Marvel Superheroes Tank: $13.80

Classic Short Sleeve Cardigan in Bright Yellow: $15.80

Floral Titties and Cardigan

Floral Print Halter Top: $16.90

Lace Back Cardigan: $19.80

Although Christina Ricci ultimately lost the battle in her love/hate relationship with her lady lumps, she still knew how to dress those darlings when she had them.

Being a big breasted beauty doesn’t always mean putting the girls on open air, full display. A high neckline with a form fitting silhouette can be just as tantalizing and is appropriate for all occassions.

The trick to finding a dress with this kind of cut that’s going to fit you proper is all about the material. You should try to find dresses with a little give in them. Some stretch is absolutely necessary so you don’t end up looking like a roll of toilet paper with legs or a some kind of sad box creature that has gained the ability to speak.

Sketched Floral Cutout Dress: $22.80

Here’s a great example. This dress has got a modest neckline and a nice shape, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY it’s got a 2% Spandex blend, which means it’s going to give a little and mold your curves rather than suffocate you and make you look like a lumpy human sausage.

What hasn’t been said and said over again in excited and giddy tones about Christina Hendricks and her heavenly shape?

In case you were confused, this is where the phrase, “Sweater Puppets” comes from.

There is SO much right going on in this pic. When you’ve got big tata’s it’s easy to look oversexed and cheap. In her role as Joan on Mad Men, Hendrick’s is always dressed professionally but she never smothers her sexuality.

Collared Surplice Top: $17.80

Now, this will take a little finesse, but the main idea is present in this top. The deep v-neck and wrap around cut make it ultra flattering to busty broads. I would tighten, twist and tuck the top into a high waist pencil skirt to show off the waist.

Woven Shawl Collar Cardigan: $22.80

Sateen Pencil Skirt: $17.80

Let me tell you something – I have this pencil skirt in black and it does ALL KINDS OF GOOD THINGS for my figure. If I was going to recommend someone actually purchase something from Forever 21, this skirt would be it.

Ponte Knit Pencil Skirt: $13.80

So, people with breasts…

Have you found these tips of dressing up your tits helpful or horrendous?

Got any tried and true boob tactics of your own?

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

Let’s go tit for tat.

(I’m sorry. I had to.)

6 Comments

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6 Responses to Wonderful Wednesday: Big Boobs Bonanza

  1. Charles Ranier

    I was expecting more boobs, frankly… the stick figure models in the middle don’t really count. Just for fashion purposes, mind you.

    You know who else really pulled it off (so to speak)? Loni Anderson on WKRP. She had that look down cold, only instead of a sweater, she wore a silk scarf. Breaks up the sightline, as it were.

  2. Suzischnauzer

    Um, the examples of cardigans are not cardigans. I am confused. But since you included Joanie in the mix, I forgive you.

  3. administrator

    What? How are they not cardigans?

  4. administrator

    Lol @ the sight line.

  5. GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRL

    I’m stacked too. This is how I manage to get away with boobage in day to day life.

    LOVE this post. LOOOOHOOOVVVE.

  6. administrator

    YAY! I loved writing this one. It was literally close to my heart.

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