Traveling Clothes: How to Breeze Through Airport Security

Travel.

Is there any bigger pain in the ass?

At the end of this week I’ll be winging my way to New York city via Virgin America, and although I love the Big Apple and all the wonders held therein, I truly loathe the flying process. You’ve got the lines, the long waits for overpriced, under par food, flight delays, crying kids, uncomfortable accommodations, yadda yadda yadda. But of all these inconveniences which are now a reality of the miracle that is modern day transport, security checks  are the only part that aren’t a total crapshoot. At the security line, we all have a nugget of control.

So, in honor of my pending travel plans, I offer a few fool proof ways to get through airport security faster, happier and almost unmolested.

Scalloped Applique Top: $17.80

Save airport security some time by wearing this see-through scalloped top to the terminal. It’ll make it that much easier for the technicians to make sure you’re not smuggling illegal drugs in your womb when you go through the scanner.

Scalloped Chain Necklace: $6.80

You don’t want to set off any alarms. Luckily, this necklace is completely devoid of any metals occurring in nature, allowing you to avoid the embarrassing prospect of being told to take off your accessories by the TSA for security purposes. (What they say to you about taking it off for FASHION purposes most definitely falls under the category of, “That’s not my problem. You’re the one who decided to wear medieval chain mail on your trip to Munich or where ever.)

Slingback Stiletto Heels: $22.80

Now, most travel guides will tell you to wear soft, comfortable, easy going shoes you’ll be able to slip on and off through security. Fuck that! Taking a flight is basically like getting on a public bus and if you’re going to fly the rude and rowdy skies you need some serious backup. While security is doing a cavity search on a little old lady who tried to bring a pair of treezers on board, you can swish your cute little ass right past them wearing these bad boys. ‘Cus the last time I checked, the business end of a platform stiletto still isn’t classified as a weapon, but that don’t mean you couldn’t poke a bitch with it for bogarting the arm rest.

Abstract Dolphin Shorts: $16.90

Have something really embarassing in your bag? Want to sneak that full size shampoo or family pack of self tanner onto the plane? No problem. Just slap on these babies and the security agents will be way too busy trying to figure out how you managed to time travel from the year 19-fugly to notice the wriggling, penis shaped lump in your luggage! Did you fall through a wormhole at the Circle K? Did you befriend an eccentric doctor and come to be in this century by way of wacky and/or serendipitous circumstances? It doesn’t matter. You’re already in your seat, enjoying the full loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter you packed in your carry-on.

Forever 21, Happy Trails!

7 Comments

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7 Responses to Traveling Clothes: How to Breeze Through Airport Security

  1. Lori

    You seriously CRACK ME UP!!

  2. MM

    I can’t believe those dolphin shorts exist.

  3. When I say things about using my stilleto as a weapon while standing in line at security, my husband tries to shush me and tells me I’m going to get us detained. ;)

    And in all serious, we kid about the little old lady getting cavity searched but I actually saw TSA force a woman in a wheel chair to stand up (while being supported by a TSA agent) and hobble into the body scanner. I had to restrain myself from ranting loudly about the ridiculousness of it all.

  4. administrator

    My favorites are the searches which are well warranted. I once saw an elderly woman try to bring a Costco size jar of peanut butter onto the plane in her carry on and then a musician throw a fit when they couldn’t find room in the overhead for his guitar (no carrying case). How did he get it to the GATE?!

  5. administrator

    Oh they exist. They look quite aggressive as well. I’ve heard an urban legend that says if you go into a Forever 21 dressing room, close your eyes and say, Abstract Print” three times, when you open them you’ll be wearing those shorts! AHHHH!

  6. administrator

    Thank you, Lori!

  7. I’ve seen women at the airport wearing stilettos at 5 am. That’s dedication. TSA should just make sheer clothing mandatory when flying. They would save a ton of $ and we would avoid all that radiation. WINNING.

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