Tag Archives: skirts

Worst of 2012: Ass Capes

Once or maybe even twice in a lifetime there comes an ass so heroic, so undeniably majestic and perfectly formed, that is deserves nothing less than a ticker tape parade.

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Asses like these usually rise in the ranks of booty naturally, taking their rightful place in the annals of rump history with grace and apple bottomed aplomb.

These are the asses that deserve our admiration, our respect and our fear. These are the asses which have earned the right to wear ridiculous clothing items Ike Ass Capes. Yet in what I am assuming is an absurd attempt to glorify the curves of less than Minaj-like money makers, Forever 21 is steadily releasing Ass Caped clothing for everyday wear.

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Cascading Tail Skirt: $17.80

Unless your ass runs into a burning building and saves a shitload of orphans and adorable Labrador puppies, it does not deserve to wear a cape.

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Tiny Flower Tail Dress: $29.80

Until your ass can leap tall buildings in a single bound and is faster than a speeding bullet as well as being as powerful as a locomotive (as Nikki Minaj’s ass proved it was during heroic feats at last year’s Teen Choice Awards) then you do not get to put a cape on it.

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Sheer Tiered Dress: $29.80

You certainly don’t get to pop some flowing poly-blend, Kermit the Frog colored cape on your ass and call it “tiered.” No one is fooled by this. Once again, if you ass did not strike fear into the hearts of men this week, if it did not solve the financial crisis or even help an old lady with her groceries, you do NOT get to buy capes for it.

Unless it’s Halloween. Then go crazy.

Forever 21, WTF?

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5 Trends from 2011 that Should Leave 2012 Alone

As far as exciting years go for fashion, 2011 was kind of a dud in the trends department.

When 2010, so pregnant with promise, broke its water and gave birth to 80′s harem pant jumpsuits, neon fucking everything, and borderline bigoted “Navajo” trends, it was like checking for all ten toes and fingers on a baby only to find gills, a cloven hoof and little spiked tail instead.

In the probably misguided hope that 2012 will fair better in the fashion department, here’s a list of 5 WTF Trends from 2011 that should be put down this year, in no particular order.

1. Half Sheer/Solid Skirts

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Sheer Peasant Skirt: $19.80

Apparently, 2011 was the year your vagina lost its beloved great aunt in a freak boating accident and went into mourning. My condolences.

I blame the rise in popularity of these Frankensteiny, faux Goth, coochie veils on fashion bloggers who went out and photographed themselves living their impossibly fabulous, seemingly jobless lives wearing them.

2. Feathered Jewelry

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Vibrant Feather Earrings: $4.80

EARRINGS. Not cat toys, but earrings.

Earrings.

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A cat toy.

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Honestly, if you wore this trend in 2011 and managed to not get scratched in the face by a cat, you must have Jedi-like reflexes. In which case, I don’t understand why you didn’t use The Force to discover just how bad you looked.

Search your feelings.

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You know it to be true.

3. Native and Navajo

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Suedette Fringe Arrowhead Top: $17.80

For once, Forever 21 was not the only repeat offender in this unflattering and politically incorrect trend. Native themed clothes and ceremonial medicine bags were trotted out on runways and on racks across the country in what felt like the fashion industries sincerest effort in tasteless irony.

I, for one, happen to think this was all just another ploy on the part of the shadowy and powerful Cat Illuminati to being fringe, yet another of their favorite playthings, back into the world of everyday wear.

5. Jumpsuits and Rompers

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Lily Flower Romper: $19.80

These one piece ass snacks that hold the wearer as a naked hostage when they pee we’re so popular in 2011 that Forever 21 gave them their own section in the online catalog.

Well, it was either the popularity of them or an influx of angry emails from people who kept running into them on the site thinking they were cute dresses and wanted them quarantined as a result.

5. Neon/80′s Revival

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Long Sleeve Lace Top: $11.80

Admittedly this was the least offensive of the 2011 trends for me but was the most pervasive at the beginning of the year due to the fact that the 80′s revival/neon trend has been persisting for a while.

As cute as this model is, wearing a lace electrical yellow top is not doing her any favors. She looks like she’s wearing Big Bird’s honeymoon lingerie.

Forever 21 and 2011, WTF?

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Wonderful Wednesday: J. Crew for less

Today’s exercise in Forever 21 fan gushing will be both a profile one of my (and Michelle Obama’s) personal favorites, J. Crew, as well as a championing of Forever 21′s power in the price game.

For spring, Forever 21 has managed to carve out a chic niche in their normal rotation of 80′s inspired crap-ola and is offering a lot of pieces which borrow heavily from J Crew’s current lineup.

Here are some of the most relevant highlights:

Ruffled Handkerchief Top

Price: $22.80

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