Tag Archives: shorts

We Didn’t Start the Fire

I know it’s hard to see in this product shot, but do you know what these is?

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Sequins Dolphin Shorts: $19.80

Yes, they’re sequins dolphin shorts, AKA sequins running shorts, AKA the worst idea in the history of ideas about what to put between your thighs since Charlie Sheen.

Those are a fire waiting to happen and a chafing the wearer will not soon forget.

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Sequin Jogging Shorts: $17.80

These actually have the audacity to include the word, “jogging” in the name of the product. Because putting one foot in front of the other in an effort to increase physical fitness lends itself so well to glamour.

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Sequins Leopard Shorts: $17.80

According to the product description, these too were designed to break a sweat in. Although I suspect the only women wearing these are less concerned with working out than they are with simply being seen.

All these shorts are the clothing equivalent of those women who come into the gym with full make up on, hair down and freshly blow dried, who proceed to stretch, get water and make sexualized grunting noises on a few weight machines.

In a word: useless. I could go on, but i have to stop. The simple effing fact there is more than one example of bedazzled exercise gear for sale at Forever 21 right now is too much to handle.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Forever 21 Puts Religion & Hypocrisy Up Front

It’s often said we women are full of contradictions. We can be both Madonna and whore, child and woman, protector and wrathful harbinger of war. Some of us are just crazier than a shit house rat, but most of us are just exercising the right to express ourselves. And although the freedom to change your mind is a precious one worth fighting for, being a hypocrite does not fall under the same righteous protection.

Draped Cross Tee: $14.80

This is where my problem with Forever 21′s religious leanings come into major play. With the Christmas season officially here and the holy holiday fast approaching, Forever 21 has released a brand new batch of religious tees. The family-owned retailer’s religious leanings have been well documented and I have taken issue with their scripture on shirts and messages sent personally from God via burnout tee, but this fresh crop of tops jumped out at me because most of them were either styled with or sold right next to some of Forever 21′s skantiest club wear, on full display for anyone from club rats and good Christian girls to purchase and wear to the New Year parties.

Now, I know people say women can wear whatever they want. Yes, they can.

And just because you’re dressed like a tarted up street walker on Saturday night and grind on a stranger’s bulge to song lyrics that say “you’s a sexy bitch” and “nothing you could compare to your neighborhood hoe” (keep in mind, he’s trying to be respectful here), doesn’t mean you can’t come into church on Sunday morning and sing with the choir about the goodness of the Lord. You can do that, yes.

You can say you follow the holy tenants of the good book and say you abide by its rules and say you have Christ in your heart while you peddle sequin crop tops sold in photos by barely legal looking models. You can say you do all those things. But saying it and not living it also makes you a hypocrite. And saying it and making a hefty profit from it, makes you something worse.

Let’s take a look at some of Forever 21′s most recent religious fashion offerings and put them into a little context.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

Do Unto Others Burnout Top: $15.80

OR just

Do What you Want Top: $15.90

It is often said, it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.

Blessed Tee: $15.80

So why don’t you turn around and give us all a little sugar?

Sugar Knit Boyshort: $3.80

Truth Fringed Tee: $17.80

Unless you don’t want it to.

Cropped Fake Tee: $17.80

Be a saint…

Saint Fringe Tee: $15.80

OR be a sparkle tube top sinner.

Crop Sequin Tube Top: $9.80

Sequins Strapless Bandeau: $8.80

Say, “Amen.”

Amen Lace Tee: $14.80

Then show a little skin.

Pray.

Pray Lace Tee: $15.80

Then strap on your sequin booty shorts and party!

Party Girl Crop Tee: $14.80

The only religious themed top I found at Forever 21 which seemed to jive nicely with the rest of the clothes on their site was this eat, drink and be merry top.

Eat Drink Be Merry Tee: $15.80

I’m not a person who condones hypocrisy, but this is a message I can really get behind.

Forever 21, Merry Christmas.

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Forever 21 Sells Faux Native American Items in their Columbus Day Sale

Trust me.

When I opened up Forever 21′s online catalog this morning I did not expect to be hit in the face with a big, fatty irony stick. Then again, no one expects the big, fatty irony stick.

Now, I’ve not so secretly disliked this whole “tribal” and native trend where hipsters slap on replicas of sacred prayer beads, medicine bags and all manner of clothing depicting Native Americans (or American Indians, if you prefer) in the most stereotypical form possible, and Forever 21 has been at the very forefront of promoting this trend.

Chiefs Burnout Top: $11.92

Take this top for example, marked down from $14.90 as part of the Columbus Day sale.

Maybe you didn’t catch that …

AS PART OF THE COLUMBUS DAY SALE.

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Wonderful Wednesday: Forever 21′s Unsanctioned Missoni Collab

What? What’s that you’re saying? SLOW DOWN, I can’t understand you over the full body, heaving sobs!

Oh. OHHH. You didn’t get what you wanted from the Missoni for Target collection? You got to Target yesterday morning specifically FOR the Missoni for Target collection at 6am only to watch helplessly as a frenzy of over-caffeinated women tore ass across the store, leaving with shopping carts piled high with two of everything, like some kind of crazy Zig Zag printed Noah’s Ark?

Well, don’t be sad! Forever 21 has got your back with their OWN (albeit completely unsanctioned) Missoni-esque designs!

Zig Zag Dress: $22.80

Click away from that eBay listing, honey.

It’s Wonderful Wednesday. Continue reading

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Traveling Clothes: How to Breeze Through Airport Security

Travel.

Is there any bigger pain in the ass?

At the end of this week I’ll be winging my way to New York city via Virgin America, and although I love the Big Apple and all the wonders held therein, I truly loathe the flying process. You’ve got the lines, the long waits for overpriced, under par food, flight delays, crying kids, uncomfortable accommodations, yadda yadda yadda. But of all these inconveniences which are now a reality of the miracle that is modern day transport, security checks  are the only part that aren’t a total crapshoot. At the security line, we all have a nugget of control.

So, in honor of my pending travel plans, I offer a few fool proof ways to get through airport security faster, happier and almost unmolested.

Scalloped Applique Top: $17.80

Save airport security some time by wearing this see-through scalloped top to the terminal. It’ll make it that much easier for the technicians to make sure you’re not smuggling illegal drugs in your womb when you go through the scanner.

Scalloped Chain Necklace: $6.80

You don’t want to set off any alarms. Luckily, this necklace is completely devoid of any metals occurring in nature, allowing you to avoid the embarrassing prospect of being told to take off your accessories by the TSA for security purposes. (What they say to you about taking it off for FASHION purposes most definitely falls under the category of, “That’s not my problem. You’re the one who decided to wear medieval chain mail on your trip to Munich or where ever.)

Slingback Stiletto Heels: $22.80

Now, most travel guides will tell you to wear soft, comfortable, easy going shoes you’ll be able to slip on and off through security. Fuck that! Taking a flight is basically like getting on a public bus and if you’re going to fly the rude and rowdy skies you need some serious backup. While security is doing a cavity search on a little old lady who tried to bring a pair of treezers on board, you can swish your cute little ass right past them wearing these bad boys. ‘Cus the last time I checked, the business end of a platform stiletto still isn’t classified as a weapon, but that don’t mean you couldn’t poke a bitch with it for bogarting the arm rest.

Abstract Dolphin Shorts: $16.90

Have something really embarassing in your bag? Want to sneak that full size shampoo or family pack of self tanner onto the plane? No problem. Just slap on these babies and the security agents will be way too busy trying to figure out how you managed to time travel from the year 19-fugly to notice the wriggling, penis shaped lump in your luggage! Did you fall through a wormhole at the Circle K? Did you befriend an eccentric doctor and come to be in this century by way of wacky and/or serendipitous circumstances? It doesn’t matter. You’re already in your seat, enjoying the full loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter you packed in your carry-on.

Forever 21, Happy Trails!

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Halloween Costumes are Coming Early

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Shorts: $Unknown

Now, I like Halloween just as much as the next girl. I even enjoy the vast variety of slutty, adult themed Halloween costume outfits ladies wear in the last night of our cool Octobers. I partake in the sexy Halloween costume outfit wearing as well. Last year I marauded up and down the West AND East sides of Los Angeles costumed as the bustiest damned girl scout on planet Earth.

But come on. Forever 21, isn’t it a little early to be stocking tan pleather booty shorts with a lace-up front? It’s barely August!

To be fair, they were just featured as a tease in the photoshoot for this generic flanel shirt, but bitch please. You can’t expect to trot out nonsensical ass coverings such as this and have no one inquire about them. It’s just not done. This, the tribal trends and a whole host of very costume outfit inspired accessories has got me ITCHING for skanky costume ideas. And when it comes to an excuse to get crunk, go pre-court order FourLoko and bare some sweet T&A, you can’t do better than Halloween.

Look for a full-blown costume outfits post in the coming weeks.

Forever 21, Trick or Treat.

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Petro Zillia Brings WTFashions to Forever 21

Last night was a WTFest of epic proportions.

The Forever 21 at the Glendale, CA Americana threw a shindig to celebrate the arrival of Petro Zillia’s new line, exclusive to the retailer, and when I say that the clothes were tasteful, well made and appropriate for women of all ages I am FUCKING LYING.

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WTFaux Leather Shorts

No matter how bad things get, no matter how sparse your closet, tight your budget and low your self esteem …

these shorts

are not the answer.

Price: $15.80

Non-breathable, swamp-butt producing pleather booty shorts.

Wear these things during a heat wave and you’ll get pruning where NO WOMAN should EVER get pruning.

And how are you susposed to wash them? Answer: you don’t.

Have fun with that undercarriage infection.

Forever 21, WTF?

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WT inFantilism

If I had to name the least sexy and most disturbing fetish on the planet it would probably be  the one for adult diapers.

But for a small subset of folks, adults who dress and act like babies are the most erotic thing ever and the ultra hip designers at Forever 21 have got their finger on the fashion and passion pulse of the infantilism world.

Price: $19.80

Merry Christmas, pervs.

Gross, sexy baby shorts. Good for a night out on the town or a cozy evening in with your rattle and binky. Just doing the cursory research for this post made me want to thoroughly wash both my eyes and soul.

Forever 21,  WTF?

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Ye olde ugly shorts

Every once in a while, I’ll run across an item at Forever 21 so classic, so perfect, so elegantly wearable, I must have it, no matter the cost.

 

This is NOT one of those times.

Pleated Balloon Shorts (holy Hell…): $8.90

Now all I need to complete the look is my long musket and fine knee-high stockings.

Forever 21, Whateth the Fucketh?

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