Tag Archives: shorts

Roaring Lion Muscle Tee

There’s a few things I absolutely call fuckery on here.


Roaring Lion Muscle Tee: $13.80

Things I Have Issues with:

1. MUSCLE TEES mixed with pork pie hats. Where are you headed in this? Unless you are about to play a jazz flute solo in a smokey San Diego lounge and then directly after that about to change the oil in your classic ‘stang, you’re most probably doing this hat wrong.

How do I know this? Because those two things would not be done by the same person, let alone in the same outing.


Get it together.

2. The LION DISPLAYING IT’S ZEBRA MANGLERS from inside the cross. Is this supposed to be some thing about the lamb and the shepherd and the holy big cat? Am I missing a piece of the puzzle? ‘Cus all your girl can think about is injured wilder beasts and the lions who love them.

Could this be altered so that anything fierce and majestic can be inserted into the cross?


Can we just place anything in there and make it work?


Given how amazing these versions look, I’m going to say yes and move on.

Things I Surprisingly Do Not Have an Issue with:

The coochy shorts. If a lady wants to risk a yeast infection and a wicked jean burn on her muff flaps for the sake of fashion, that’s between her and her busy gynecologist. I ain’t even mad.

Forever 21, WTF?


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High-Waisted Metallic Shorts

The Holidays are such a magical time.

High-Waisted Metallic Shorts: $13.80

It’s a time when Forever 21 starts rolling out their more festive creations.

Like shorts that make it look as if you’ve suffered an unfortunate smelting accident from the belly button to the tops of your ass cheeks.

Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, Dad! I’m back from my first year of college and you can no longer pretend I’m not sexually active” than skin-tight metallic booty shorts.

Forever 21, It’s the Best Time of the Year.

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Memorial Day Do’s and Dont’s


That’s what Memorial Day is all about.

Celebrating our freedom as Americans to look at fat titties, drink beers, cook animal flesh over an open flame and wear cut-offs. Preferably all at the same time.

Welcome to your Memorial Day Fashion Guide Do’s & Dont’s.

God bless you all and God bless America.

Mineral Wash Denim Halter: $7.80

Looking at breasts that threaten to escape from acid wash bikini tops is the most patriotic shit you can you engage in.

Therefore, it is only right that you DO wear this top that looks like a left over from the wardrobe of a Guns N’ Roses video.

Welcome to the jungle, baby.

Studded Cut-Off Shorts: $19.80

As I mentioned before, cut-offs are an America tradition. Like apple pie and slavery.

Make sure you DO wriggle yourself into the tightest pair of these babies you can find. Extra points for pairing them with American flag cowboy boots.

Leopard Print Dress: $19.80

Leopard print. Super Tight. Coochie surprise short. I know it looks like a Memorial Day fashion slam dunk. But there’s one big problem with this otherwise perfect display of American style.

It’s only got one sleeve. Only got one shoulder.

That’s just unacceptable on Memorial Day. ‘Cus we’re Americans, damnit. And we don’t do ANYTHING half-assed, not even our sleeves.

Studded Vest: $27.80

This silky looker calls back to the days when men were men, women were women and you could pay $.05 to grab a chicks titty in the corner of the saloon. Two for one on Sundays!

I’d suggest wearing this with the acid wash bikini top and cut-off shorts.

Aviator sunglasses and obesity optional.

Happy Birthday, Benjamin Franklin! That’s what this holiday is for, right?


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Wonderful Wednesday: Act Like a Lady, Dress Like a Dame

I love summertime.

Summertime, when the days are long and warm and we can spend weekends in the grass, dining on ripe, red strawberries like fat little rabbits. When legs go bare and shoulder blades brown up in the golden sun.

 Right now the trend is neon colored hipster frenzy in tube tops and cheesy cut offs, but today I am calling for a return to the lady-like art of summer wear.

Time to put on your big girl pants.

It’s Wonderful Wednesday.

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Dem Doppleganger Shorts

I’m sure you’ve all heard the expression that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Well, apparently there is not more than one way to pose for a product shot in high waist shorts and biker boots.

High Rise Denim Shorts : $17.80

Cheetah Print Hot Pants: $10.50

Weird, right?

At first I thought maybe the shorts had been photoshopped onto the model.

Well, really at first I thought, “WTF. Those shorts make it look like her vagina could go up to her belly button.”

But THEN I thought, no, this model is just super talented at hitting the exact same pose. It’s actually pretty impressive.

More impressive than that acid wash wedgie machine she has on.

Forever 21, WTF?


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Forever 21 Offers Outfits for Coachella

You ever look at something, clothing trend or otherwise, and just know it’s going to be one of those things we all make fun of and regret 10 years from now?

Pretty sure these looks Forever 21 has put together to coincide with the California art and musical fest Coachella are 110% that.

It’s not that Forever 21′s stylists aren’t spot on about what kind of hipster madness gets thrown together for Coachella every year. The uber short-shorts, the flowy tops, the fringe, the neon, the pre-frayed everything. That’s all painfully accurate.

It’s just when I look at these I always imagine the same people wearing them today looking back on this decade and getting stuck in an infinite face palm loop.

So what do YOU think?

Will we regret these fashion decisions in our 40′s or will the “homeless looking yet perfectly manicured” style be remembered fondly?

Forever 21, This Really Isn’t About You.


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Musketeers Gone Wild

Seriously, dafuq is this?


Crinkle and Cuffed Shorts: $24.80

Looks like what the Three Musketeers would wear on MTV Spring Break in Daytona Beach.


After they finish reveling in the streets they are going to strap on those crotch leathers and dropeth it like it is hot.

Forever 21, Whateth the Fucketh?


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Mysterious WTF

Much like the desire to pierce ones genitals or how what I am assuming to be Lindsay Lohan’s reanimated corpse keeps making all these television appearances and court dates on time, there are some things in this life I just don’t get.


Layered Ruffle Shorts: $17.80

We may now add ruffled shorts to the list.

Why anyone would want the area surrounding their goodies to look like a singed Swiffer duster is beyond me. I am sure some of them may have a hard enough time convincing people that thing isn’t harboring cobwebs as it is. We don’t need a pair of shorts that resemble a mop of Shamwow swatches to add to the unpleasant mystery.

Forever 21, WTF?


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Award Winning Shorts

If there was an Olympic sport which awarded clothing stores for selling the ugliest pair of shorts I have ever seen, these puffers would take the gold.


Pleated Waist Shorts: $18.01

Faux suede, camel colored with pleats that seem specifically made to be unflattering. Now there is a time and place for pleats. But that time is not now and that place is not anywhere around the crotch region.


It’s like some poor intern is crouched just out of frame with a blow dryer pointed straight up her crotch. If you looked up “Front Butt” in the dictionary, there would be a picture of these shorts.

Forever 21, Stop Putting Pleats Where they Don’t Belong.


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