Tag Archives: jackets

Pimptastic

It might just be me, but does anyone else feel like the new arrivals at Forever 21 are looking like a poorly disguised pimp emporium?

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Wool Feathered Fedora: $17.80

Big, floppy hat with feathers in it? Check.

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Zebra Print Wedges: $30.80

Platform joints that look straight out of a very busted episode of Starsky & Hutch? Check.

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Cropped Faux Fur Jacket: $29.80

The color is Apricot, named after the pimp who will eventually pair it with matching alligator loafers the exact color of a Tangelo, which also happens to be his nephew (and road dog’s) name.

Forever 21, Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy, but at Least you Make the Uniform Affordable.

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Wonderful Wednesday: Baby, it’s Cold Outside

Ah, the true and comforting signs of Winter. The days get shorter. The mid-morning lines at Starbucks get longer. And suddenly, you go from galavanting in the crisp Fall with your chic scarves and light weight layers, to bundling up like a baby in swaddling clothes or a sausage rolled in puff pastry.

In essence, you need jackets & coats. Jackets & coats to go from the car to the front door. Jackets & coats for heading to work in the morning and going out with the girls at night. If you even have a dream about leaving the house, you need jackets & coats.

So in honor of this Wonderful Wednesday, here are some tasty, toasty offerings from Forever 21, good for any cold weather occasion.

Crest Button Knit Jacket: $29.80

Bundle up, beautiful. It’s Wonderful Wednesday. Continue reading

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Le Costume Post: Part 1

CATS.

They’re what drives the Internet, what makes it, and keeps us yearning, churning, day after day, distracting us from our humdrum little lives. They get billions of hits and appeal to everyone from the tiniest tot to the oldest codger. They’re watching you from the ceiling. They’re in your computer eating your interwebs. And they’re CONSTANTLY asking for cheeseburgers.

They’re also apparently what makes us strap on tits-to-toe stretchy, leopard print lace jogging suits and roll around on the floor for 15 minutes.

Lace Leopard Jacket: $19.80

Lace Leopard Leggings: $13.80

I know this looks bad, but hear me out – I have absolutely no good explanation for this scene.

It started out innocently enough with a Redbook article from 1977 that listed “18 Ways to Feel Prettier – Right Now!”  One of which was a suggestion to unleash your animal instincts by working in a sassy splash of animal print in your everyday wardrobe. Animal print? Sassy? Everyday? Wardrobe? The hunt was on. And as with most trends, I think I took it a little too far.

So, okay, it’s not so much a splash as it is a big ol’ tidal wave of WTF, but when I saw the leggings and matching jacket in the Forever 21 store tonight I gasped. These twins of synthetic wonder were just what I needed to spice things up around the old homestead. Or the laundry mat. Or the post office. Or at my boyfriend’s place of business. Where ever. And at the very least, they could be reused in October as a last minute cat costume of some kind. All I need is the ears and tail and no one has to know I wore this to run errands at Safeway two days prior.

It’s sheer, it’s probably HIGHLY flammable and it illicits the wrong kind of attention in a Safeway parking lot, but, damnit, I have to admit, it was fun to wear, and for a cheapo, slutty Halloween costume on the fly, it ain’t too shabby. I still don’t know why Forever 21 puts what is clearly meant to be worn as a Halloween costume or outfit for a Purim parade in their normal rotation of street wear. I suppose some mysteries, like LOLcats and women who wear head-to-toe leopard print, were never meant to be solved.

Forever 21, I Can Has Cheezburger?

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What Not to Wear on Your Fantasy Date with Ryan Gosling

You’ve seen them.

We’ve ALL seen them.

And if you saw “Crazy, Stupid, Love” Friday, you definitely saw them.

I’m writing, of course, about Ryan Gosling’s abs.

I mean, come on. Even HE is confused as to how his body is that delicious.

Ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter), if you expect to attract this level of crispy, sexual, high-class swag-manship, you can not run around wearing just any old tribal print, “abstract” jumpsuit or burnt sienna, corduroy clusterfuck of a skirt for which Forever 21 is so unfortunately well known.

Below are the top 5 picks from our favorite bringer of WTFuckery that will definitely keep you far, far away from Ryan Gosling’s galaxy of tasty abs.

Lace & Chiffon Top: $24.80

As our first offender, we have what appears to be a funeral doily or the skirt of a Gothic Christmas tree, apparently meant to keep blackened pine needles AND Ryan Gosling’s abs away.

Sheer Ruffled Button Up Top: $17.80

The ruffles. The peachy, pasty color. The church lady sleeves and odd length. All great if you want to attract 79-year-old men at the Am-vet center. Not so good for attracting 31-year-old abs that made you both cry AND laugh in “The Notebook.”

Crinkled Metallic Motorcycle Jacket: $27.80

How DARE Forever 21 skin the withered nuts of Floridian retirees to make these things! Will their thirst for domination over the leathery sacks of the elderly never be satiated?

Not okay.

Lace Bow Scrunchie: $2.80

This scrunchie is a disgrace and quite frankly, I’m ashamed to even have it on the same page as Ryan Gosling’s luscious abs. Not only is it a fucking scrunchie, but it’s covered in lace! As if just the act of being a scrunchie and existing as an item for PURCHASE outside the date of 1986, was not ENOUGH, it has black LACE all over it. And as a final insult, it has a bow on top. If you think wearing an accessory that is practically a historical artifact of fashion is even going to get you in the vicinity of Ryan Gosling, let alone his abs, you’re nuttier than that ballsack jacket above.


Rhinestone Ring Watch: $12.80

Just because Ryan Gosling has abs so blindingly beautiful they make the sun say, “DAYAM” doesn’t mean you should litter your ring finger with cheap rhinestones and fake gold to compliment them. If you did get close to Ryan Gosling’s abs, all this ring is going to do is embarrass you with a green finger as you rub your trembling hand across his glistening chest. Leave the mini-me mob boss bling at home. Or better yet, in the half-price bin where it belongs, shaming everything else around it.

Forever 21, Stop Clit-Blocking Us.

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