Tag Archives: harem pants

Wilderness Wear

Oh, hey girl. I didn’t see you there.

What? Oh, me and my front butt are just taking a hike wearing these Mom Pants.

You like my vest? I put it on when you weren’t looking. I like to keep items like denim vests and sandwiches hidden in the folds of my slouchy crotch blanket.

That’s probably why you smell ham.

And yes, I always stand this way.

Oh, hi again. I thought I’d take a break from looking like a nightmare hybrid from the 80′s and 90′s and just chill here among this greenery.

Sike your mind! I still look ridiculous.

Drawstring Harem Pants: $14.50

Forever 21, WTF?

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Springtime Harem Pants

What’s that? Too cold out still for harem knee length pant/short hybrids? And even it was a solid 85 degrees around the world, Forever 21 should have realized by now that no real people who actually have real jobs outside of fashion actually WEAR harem pants in the first damn place?

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Zippered Harem Pants: $24.80

Nope.

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Not on your crotch sag loving life.

But rest easy, ladies. Not only does this new and improved version of the harem pant still provide the ample vagina carrying swath you know and love, it also has a new feature sure to drive your preferred gender of sex partner wild.

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Mutha. Fucking. Side. Zippers. Because there just are not enough items of clothing made for both versatile calf exposure AND the discrete smuggling of a sack of grain betwixt your thighs.

Forever 21, WTF?

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STOP – Break it Down!

Business time on the top.

Hammer time on the bottom.

Peaked Lapel Sleeveless Jumpsuit: $34.80

Forever 21, WTF?

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Woven WTF

*Sigh*

Leopard Woven Pants: $24.80

It’s Sunday, so I am just going to leave this here for us all to think about.

Consider the print, the cut, the ankles and the pairing of the shoes.

And finally …

Consider the shame.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Too Young for Harem Pants?

 It’s an epidemic sweeping the nation and it could be affecting your child, your family and your pocket book. Behavior so dangerous, so insidious, you probably won’t even notice your daughter is engaging in it – that is, until it’s too late. I’m writing of course … about Harem Pants.

Leopard Print Pants: $12.90

These Harem Pants, disguised cunningly as “lightweight woven pants” featuring “ruching” at the “side seams,” recently “popped up” in the “Forever 21 girls” section of “Forever21.com”

That’s right, you bunch of fancy ass bitches.

These are Harem Pants FOR PRE-TEENS.

It’s not enough that so many fabulous and fashionable women all over the globe have been taken in and brainwashed by the designer elite to think Harem Pants are socially acceptable and all right to wear in public areas. Now they’re trying to corrupt our CHILDREN?

What’s next for 9-year-old girls? A future where they slap on sweatpants jeans, lamé leopard print skirts and whatever the balls these are for their play dates?

YES.

Unless we do something.

Just as you inoculate your kids against illnesses like chicken pox, you can help  to immunize them against Harem Pant use by giving them the facts now. Talk to your girls about Harem Pants. Shit, talk to ALL girls about Harem Pants. Stop them in the streets if you have to – this can not happen.

Forever 21, Harem Pant Pushers.

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Wearable Soundtrack of the ’80s

This post goes out to all you ladies and lads who railed against me for hating so super hard on harem pants.

“Try them! They’re really comfy and I get compliments on mine all the time.”

“Not ALL harem pants look bad. You just have to pick the right ones.”

“You just don’t like harem pants because you have dignity and don’t like people laughing behind your back in the streets.”

Ok, I made that last comment up, but regardless!

To all you harem pant loving peeps, I have one thing to say.

Fuck. You.

Fuck you, because, shit … you were KIND of right.

Zebra Harem Pant: $15.80

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I don’t even know what to say

In the semi-words of walking nightmare skeleton Rachel Zoe,

Oh. My. Gah.

Bamboo Leaves Jumpsuit: $22.90

SHUT IT DOWN, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR AND SHUT MY EFFING EYES TIGHT.

It’s a harem pants jumpsuit. This is what you start wearing when you just don’t give a shit anymore.

It reeks of failure.

Don’t feel like putting on real clothes to run to the grocery store? Jumpsuit.

Don’t have the energy or foresight to keep both a top and a bottom clean enough to wear in the outdoor world? Jumpsuit.

Want to go to class in pajamas without actually wearing pajamas? Jumpsuit.

If you bought this, sort your life out, IMMEDIATELY.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Men’s Harem Pants

They’ve done it.

Ribbed Trimmed Five Pocket Jeans: $29.90

They’ve finally figured out a way to trick men into trying on harem pants.

A reader and Forever 21 employee alerted me to these.

Oh, sure, at first glance they look semi-normal, but take a closer gander.

Major DBS (Deflated Booty Syndrome)? HAREM PANTS.

No matter how you slice it, from every angle it looks like harem pants for men. SHAME.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Skantily Clad

This will be a controversial post.

Price: $27.80

There are some among you who, despite everything our eyes, hearts and common damn sense tell us, like the look of harem pants.

If you are one of those poor, unfortunate souls do yourself a favor and check out the bottom half of this screenshot the next time you’re about to strap on a pair of mass-produced Skants, as Regretsy calls them.

Do you really want someone to be reminded of Danny Devito’s turn as the Penguin when they see you wearing these?

As much as I love Danny Devito, I don’t ever want to be compared to him in hushed whispers at a cocktail party. And there is no way you’re going to get with handsome Michael Keaton Batman from 1992 wearing those things.

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