Tag Archives: floral

Scarf Print Contrast Shirt

Finally!

Scarf Print Contrast Shirt: $24.80

The very essence of your grandmother, distilled into a shirt.

This shirt keeps the plastic on its furniture.

This shirt has a room full of antique dolls.

This shirt pinches your cheeks with its paper thin, bony fingers and then gives you stale Werther’s Originals as a reward.

This shirt has one of those tubs with a door that you walk into.

It remembers when you were just THIS tall and it doesn’t understand how to use the internet.

Forever 21, WTF?

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Wonderful Wednesday: Act Like a Lady, Dress Like a Dame

I love summertime.

Summertime, when the days are long and warm and we can spend weekends in the grass, dining on ripe, red strawberries like fat little rabbits. When legs go bare and shoulder blades brown up in the golden sun.

 Right now the trend is neon colored hipster frenzy in tube tops and cheesy cut offs, but today I am calling for a return to the lady-like art of summer wear.

Time to put on your big girl pants.

It’s Wonderful Wednesday.

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Old School WTF

It’s been a good long while since I scoped something in Forever 21′s online catalog that literally made me say, “What the fuck?” out loud.

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Polka Dot Flowers Top: $13.80

Congratulations, Polka Dot Flowers Top. You broke through that WTF dry spell like a ruffled, mismatched BOSS. And the styling addition of what appear to be piss soaked cutoffs is nothing short of inspired.

My standards are impeccable. My expectations are high. You have exceeded them this day.

Forever 21, WTF and Thank You.

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Swamp Ass

You know that thing where you’ve been out in the sun all day and it’s really hot and humid and your shirt is all moist and clinging to your torso and you feel like you need to shower but you can’t because you’re in a restaurant or at the park or something and then you get an itch on your lower back from some grass or whatever and then you go to scratch it and realize your butt crack has turned into a tropical rain forest?

Satin Floral Wide Leg Pants: $29.80

These pants are the visual equivalent of that feeling.

It looks like a colony of spores are springing forth from what appears to be here abnormally long ass crack and pancake flat cheeks. If you KNEW these pants did this to the MODEL’S ass, WHY, oh why would you provide photographic evidence of this to people considering making a purchase? These make her ass look like it’s trying to escape onto her back. It reminds me of Station’s awesome Martian but from Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.

Forever 21, Heinous.

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Hot Mesh Mess

Until today, I’ve avoided writing much about the half mesh, half solid trend in pants, maxi skirts and dresses this year. I guess I thought it would fix itself or go away on its own, like parking tickets or unidentified  skin rashes (fingers still crossed).  But, alas, upon inspection of Forever 21′s New Arrivals area online, I found more selections in this schizophrenic trend.

Lace Maxi Skirt: $17.80 

Neither sexy nor modest, this hot mess of mesh defies seasons and all fashion logic.

Fishnet Dress: $15.80

Frightening to both fish and man, this dress pulls double duty in the dumpy department.

Lace Maxi Dress: $27.80

This is what Wednesday Adams wore to her Winter formal.

Velvet Burnout Maxi Skirt: $29.80

Just enough leg to be sexy. Just enough fleur de lis to be suspected of traveling to this dimension from an unknown world where  velvet and chiffon peacefully co-exist.

Lace Flare Leggings: $22.80

These bell bottoms are funky. And not in the George Clinton, Atomic Dog, “We Want the Funk, the Whole Funk, Nothin’ But the Funk,” way. More like the “Where in the shit am I going to wear these pants to? A Goth disco party?” way.

Mesh Knit Pants: $17.80

Mesh. Knit. PANTS. Honestly, I mean, the name really does say it all.

Floral Chiffon Pants: $19.80

Chiffon and what look like loose fitting Bermuda shorts underneath. SO turned on right now.

Forever 21, WTF?

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To Grandmother’s House we go

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Price: $18.80

These shoes could make an abandoned, ratty roadside sofa blush with embarrassment.

Just looking at these floral printed foot failures brings me right back to grandma’s house and all the unfamiliar and unsettling sights and smells of creeping death within.

Forever 21, put some plastic on those shoes so they won’t get ruined.

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Floral Wide Leg Pants

Price: $32.00

These look like the pants that your single, 37-year-old art teacher in third period with the insane home haircut would wear around the house. Not outside. Just for lounging.

Forever 21, WTF?

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