Let me tell you something about my fur hats.
They are as thick as weaves and they protect each other to the very end.
No, I’m not wearing She by Sheree, and you may think I look like a low down monkey wit’ a wig on, but I have ONE question for you.
Faux Fur Hat in Black: $12.80
Who gonna check me, Boo?
So, right off the bat, I think we can all agree this faux fur hat is the tits.
Faux Fur Hat: $12.80
Styles? They come in and out of fashion like a dick in a mouth. But THIS? This hat is the real deal. Or is it? Before we declare it to be the best hat ever, I think we should put it through the paces.
Let’s see how it looks on a pan of frying eggs.
What about on Nicolas Cage?
Top fucking notch.
I literally can not tell the difference between this hat and his actual hair. It is SEAMLESS.
Forever 21, Best Hat Ever.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Rachel! You HATE faux fur! You think it’s overall tacky and it makes you sneeze and it’s itchy and you have no idea how to wash it!”
If that’s what you’re thinking, you are thinking wrong, because after today’s trip to Forever 21 I have discovered I LOVE faux fur. I’ve just been wearing it wrong.
Leopard Top: $22.80
Leopard Leggings: $10.80
Purple Faux Fur Vest: $29.80
Grey Faux Fur Vest: $37.80
There it is, chickies. Soak it in. The only way to wear faux fur properly is to wear IT ALL AT ONCE and WITH LEOPARD PRINT.
Now, again, I know what you’re thinking.
“This bitch has lost her damn mind. She looks like a gender confused woolly mammoth.”
IF that’s what you’re thinking, you’re again thinking wrong. This ish is the height of fashion.
You just don’t get it.
And I feel sorry for you. Hate on me haters. I do not have time to explain fashion to you or why I ‘m dressed like a Russian Bond villain.
Forever 21, Furtastic.
Although it might look easy to all you wonderful WTFers out there in Interweb land, diving into the daily pit of “excuse me, for reals, you did NOT just try to charge people $32.90 for that” which is Forever 21′s inventory is no simple task.
It takes patience, nimble fingers, sheer will and determination to cull the craziest shit from the mega-retailer’s online catalog. And just like on their physical stores, things online at Forever 21 are usually a scattered mess.
But not today.
BEHOLD – The Exotic Folk selection.
Beads, faux fur, fringe, looped yarn – all collected into one section with a floppy pink hat wearing mascot to guide your way. It’s like an all you can guffaw buffet up in here.
Bead Trim Faux Fur Vest: $27.80
Haven’t seen a bugle bead in a long while, but damned if it isn’t taking center stage right in front of my face in the year 2011. This is what is known as Sherpa Chic. You could scale a mountain with the intent of yodeling or just use it to springboard your career as a Ricola commercial extra. Lots of choices with this one.
Suede Fringe Jacket: $59.80
Okay, before you even CONSIDER purchasing this, let me just ask you to think about your life choices for a second and whether you want everyone calling you Big Bird’s Lesbian Biker Sister. And have you heard the sound heavy, suede fringe makes when it hits other heavy materials? It’s like a stampede of miniature horses are following you around at all times. Madness.
Fringe Lace Poncho: $19.80
NOPE. Absolutely not. I am having none of this. I look at this and I say, “No, thank you. I will have none.”
Forever 21, WTFolk?
Knitted Trapper Hat: $12.80
Never has a marriage of acrylic, faux fur and polyester resulted in a union as extraordinary as this.
The fur is mashed up against the frontage of the hat with such finesse.
Not at all like it had been packed flat in plastic or combed upwards with a rough cat brush. Not at all like the beleaguered and abused backside of an Acapulco donkey or a swath of unkempt stage wig, mattered beyond repair from the level of abuse only community theater can provide.
EXPERTLY PLACED POM POM ENDS.
These are the things which result in exemplary examples of trapper hats, such as the one you see majestically laid out before you.
The pioneers and Davy Crockett himself have WEPT for trapper hats thus.
Forever 21, You Rugged Sonofabitch.
There’s a woman in Los Angeles who, come to think of it, actually might just be a very convincing tranny. She dresses in all purple and tours the thrift shop scene. Sky high purple bee hive wigs, platform purple heels that enhance her already imposing six foot plus frame. Everywhere she went she stood out like a glamorous bruise.
I always wondered where she came from and when she started wearing purple. Do you wake up one day and, being the impulsive, brave and brash tranny fantasy you are, decide you’ll only wear one color for the rest of your life? Or do you start off alternating outfits comprised of just one color (green, gold, lush ruby red), then eventually settle on your favorite?
If that’s the case, this thing below is definitely a gateway garment to the single color lifestyle.
Cheetah Lined Faux Fur Vest: $37.80
All the tranny mega hits are there. High impact color. Vaguely 70′s vibe. Faux Fur. The model even looks decidedly dangerous in this vest, like she might start lip-syncing to “It’s Raining Men” without warning or claw another bitches eyes out with a surprise Elvira manicure. Even though I know this vest is destined for the bargain bin, there’s something absurdly attractive about it.
I don’t know. Maybe I just hate faux fur so much my judgement has been clouded. Maybe my eyes are stunned by the brazen display of furry, high impact prison suit orange. And maybe, just maybe, I secretly wish there were more men who are woman wearing purple in the world.
Forever 21, WTF?