Overheard the first cliche clothing thought of the season this morning.
Shagged Trim Leather Coat: $79.90
I don’t even know what you get, but apparently it’s priced at $79.90.
Even the model is like, WTF?
Forever 21 – $80? To look like Wile E. Coyote in drag? Bitch, you cray cray.
Wool Feathered Fedora: $17.80
Big, floppy hat with feathers in it? Check.
Zebra Print Wedges: $30.80
Platform joints that look straight out of a very busted episode of Starsky & Hutch? Check.
Cropped Faux Fur Jacket: $29.80
The color is Apricot, named after the pimp who will eventually pair it with matching alligator loafers the exact color of a Tangelo, which also happens to be his nephew (and road dog’s) name.
Forever 21, Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy, but at Least you Make the Uniform Affordable.
Miss Lopez has recently come under fire for leaving her husband Marc Anthony, taking up an age inappropriate affair with one of her backup dancers and pretending to be taking a cruise through her “old hood” in a commercial all about authenticity (only she was actually in LA and couldn’t be bothered to lower herself into crusty old Brooklyn for the shoot).
Basically, she’s been a heinous bitch forever but even more of a heinous bitch since the announcement of her divorce. To make matters much, much worse, she’s also EVERYWHERE right now.
Let’s take a look at some of her signature style pieces, now available at Forever 21.
Leatherette Braid Wool Hat: $18.80
These stupid ass floppy, felty looking hats were a J. Lo staple in the early 2000′s and she still rocks them from time to time with a slicked back ponytail, posing on the red carpet of whatever restaurant she’s opening that week.
I don’t recommend this look for mere mortals. I tried one on a while ago.
This is known as “instantly 45 effect.” Not cute.
Faux Fur Stole: $24.80
Jennifer Lopez is one of the few people left on the planet who publicly flaunt their gaudy collection of real fur and make no apologies about the small animals who wear tortured to death so she could look like a drag queen Grizzly Adams.
Rhinestone Panel Necklace: $14.80
Don’t be fooled but the rocks that she’s got. She’s just, she’s just the most shallow person on Earth. News flash, J. Lo, if you have to constantly remind yourself to “stay real,” it’s pretty fair indication you are a fake ass bitch.
Spotted Feather Lashes: $3.80
Of all the trappings here associated with this down to Earth individual known as Jennifer Lopez, these impractical, ego tripping fake eyelashes have got to be the most her. All you’d need to complete it would be some stick on rhinestones.
Rhinestone Drama Lashes: $1.00
There it is.
Chiffon Jumpsuit: $29.80
There is only one thing J. Lo loves more than being real, putting God first and her “public” and that’s herself. But next to that? Motherfucking jumpsuits. To her, they’re like breathing, yeaAAhh.
Jennifer Lopez, WTF?
They really know how to make a quality elephant dick cozy.
No elephant dick is going cold with these suckers. And look at that soft, snug grip top. Those elephant shafts aren’t going to be shivering any time in the near future, I’ll tell you what.
But what of the nuts, you ask? Surely they wouldn’t neglect the warmth of smooth elephant balls?
Not a chance.
Forever 21, Your Obsession with Elephant Sex Organs is Unhealthy.
Furry Slippers: $16.80
Slippers, eh? You know damn well college freshmen are going to be hobbling across the quad toward their dining commons on Friday afternoon in these. Why you trynna front like you don’t know how these will be used, Forever 21?
This is just like those “neck massagers” they sell in Brookstone. They say they’re to relieve tension in neck and back muscles but you know the release that’s really happening is ALL below the waist.
Looks like someone just chopped off a Sasquatch big foot, hollowed it out and called it a day.
Forever 21, Why are you Slaughtering Mythical Woodland Creatures so Girls with Undeclared Majors can Wear the Husks of these Majestic Creatures feet at Inappropriate Times?
So, this is supposed to be for your neck.
Faux Fur Neck Warmer: $14.80
But all I see when I look at it is a cat’s asshole without the asshole.
There. Fixed it.
“Recently I was in a Forever 21 in my hometown Tucson, AZ and I found the following glorious styling of one of their 80′s mannequins. Enjoy! My favorite part is definitely those corduroy leopard print shorts,” writes Maria.
The shorts are pretty good, but I’d have to say MY favorite part is the part when the plastic person is covering her genitals for no apparent reason. As if anyone is going to try to tap those lacquered lady bits while she’s wearing THAT ensemble.
Forever 21, WTF?
Unless you’ve been living under a large rock for the past few months, you’ve probably heard some kind of news on the Republican presidential candidates. (Honestly, even if you did live under a rock you’ve probably heard some news about it – what kind of rock doesn’t have Internet access now a days?)
As the 2012 elections draw near and candidates begin to release their ads, both attack and otherwise, I have a feeling we’ll all be treated to a parade of corporately funded WTF the likes of which our airwaves and internets have scarcely seen.
Exhibit A: Herman Cain’s ad which was just dropped in my inbox by a friend.
I think YouTube commenter JohnVogel561 sums this up best, “… that smile at the end. Have you ever farted, and tried not to get caught, but the smell is so God Awful, that someone calls you out on it, and all you can do is smile, well that is what that last scene looks like.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking – Rachel, politics are boring. Rachel, what does this have to do with fashion? Rachel, Herman Cain looks like a broke ass, busted, creepier version of Samuel L. Jackson.
Yes, nothing and yes. But for the simple fact of this ad making me laugh until my ass literally fell off my body, I am dedicating this Wonderful Wednesday to the Republican candidates.
How am I dedicating it to them? By featuring items I think embody the spirit and persona of each candidate’s recent campaign ads.
Patchwork Denim Maxi: $24.80
These pretty well sum up Herman Cain’s ad. At first glance, you THINK you know what it’s about. Fine, those are high waisted, booty destroying Mom Jeans. Fine. But then they start smoking a cigarette and you’re all like, “What? Is that a quilt-like swath of material coming out the crotch? Why would they do that with jeans?” And then you see them start smiling super slowly. And then you see that super slow smile turn into a creepy, Bond villain chuckle and it hits you.
Those aren’t jeans at all. It’s ugliest skirt you’ve ever seen. And it’s running for president.
You’re welcome, America. It’s Wonderful Wednesday.