Tag Archives: eagle

The Melancholy Tale of the Bold Eagle

Proud Bold Eagle Ring, why do you weep?

Bold Eagle Ring: $3.80

What keeps you up nights, unable to sleep?

Is it the Rhinestone Peacock who glitters like a fairy?

Rhinestone Peacock Bracelet: $14.80

Or for the gay giraffe lovers, who still cannot marry?

Kissing Giraffe Bracelet: $10.80

Is it the taint biting panther that’s got you so down?

Panther Hinge Bracelet: $10.80

Is a psychotic elephant making you frown?

Safari Elephant Ring: $6.80

I know what it is! You’re going to be glad!

It’s the dead eyed horse! That’s what’s got you so mad!

Rhinestone Horse Ring: $5.80

Or maybe this panda is making you sad.

Rhinestone Panda Necklace: $5.80

A bird should fly high! Why ARE you so low?

With the rhinestone rabbit watching you …

Rhinestone Rabbit Ring: $3.80

the world may never know.

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Forever 21 No Longer Selling Spread Eagle

In an all-too-predictable turn of events, it seems as if the brass behind Forever 21′s sexy Spread Eagle Ring has had a change of heart.

The patriotic finger party we pointed out last month for having a seedy name has been de-sexed and is now called the “Etched Eagle Ring.”

Unfortunately, I failed to take a screenshot of the previous product description, which was colorfully accented with the phrase, “Spread Eagle.”

For now at least it looks like Forever 21 has changed their tune on the tongue in cheek copy.

Too bad. I thought for a second there they might actually have a sense of humor.

Forever 21, You’ll Always be Spread Eagle to me.

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The 5 Things that Ruin an Affordable Find

We’ve all known the pain. The unadulterated let down festival that is seeing an awesome dress, sweater, bottom, top, etc. beckoning to us from the rack. It whispers to you, “Buy me. Buy me and your life will be DOPE.” So you go to it, speed walking across the floor, holding your anticipation in like a person waiting to hear the last matching number of a lotto ticket. Trembling, you reach your goal and gingerly remove the item from the rack only to discover the awful truth. Your dream garment, the article of clothing that was going to change your life, is soiled. SOILED with a deal breaker.

It could be almost anything. The Affordable Find Dealbreaker is completely subjective. It could be rosettes. It could be ruffles, or a hideous print or a minor detail which just completely throws off the entire thing. Whatever it is, it’s a fuck damn bush league cluster eff and it can ruin your whole afternoon.

Here are my personal top 5 deal breakers in affordable fashion finds.

1. Unecessary and Ugly Details

Graphic Crop Top: $9.90

Oh, hey, look. This top looks kind of cool. Just basic, really. Wait a minute … is that …

Yep. Yeah. It’s a giant eagle face. Well, it’s not THAT bad …

Seriously? Seriously crop top? Side boob action? No chance.

2. Too much Skank

Sequins Dress: $20.99

Okay, okay. Little Black Dress. Looks cute enough. Some nice details on it. Let’s just get a better look here…

Holy ovaries, that’s short! If it wasn’t for the tiny shadow and black void of Spanx we could probably get a good eye full of camel toe right now. And that’s when she’s standing still. Imagine teetering around on heels wearing that shirt masquerading as a dress. An innocent walk to the car could turn into a full blown booty show in mere moments.

3. Sneaky Romper

Peacock Feather Romper: $19.80

Ohh! What a sweet little summer dress. I hope they have one left in my size!

WAIT…

WTF IS THIS? SHORTS?!?!?

This is the WORST. Rompers are the ninjas of the fashion world. I’ve gotten INTO the DRESSING room with a romper in my midst and not known it until I was half naked and ready to put the thing on.

4. Pukey Print

Bow Skirt: $15.80

Hmm.. kind of cute. I love pleats. It’s very pretty girl on summer vacay at the cape. But I’ve been burned before. Let’s get in there for a closer look.

Leopard. Print. Bows.

SHIT.

5. RUFFLES

Ruffled Shirt Dress w/ Belt: $24.80

Poseidon’s trident, look at that mess! Ruffle on ruffle action at it’s most natty and hardcore! She looks like Oscar the Grouch’s bottom bitch. I half expect the next product shot to be of her poking her head out of a trash can having a surly interaction with a gigantic yellow bird costume.

Forever 21, You… What Have you DONE?

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Forever 21 Selling the Spread Eagle to Teen Girls

I’ve heard of selling sex in fashion but this is just ridiculous.

Spread Eagle Ring: $3.80

Seems like someone at Forever 21 is having a little fun with naming the new inventory this week. I know “spread eagle” is technically the correct phrase for this pose, but it’s also a poor choice of words.

Now, this could be a kind of lost in translation thing, but I highly doubt it. Whatever the case, this ring is a hilarious mix of patriotism and porno.

Now all we need is a cunnilingus cardigan and a pair of fuzzy 69ing slippers.

What do you think about this dirty little ring?

Forever 21, WTF?

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