I don’t know if you guys know this, and I don’t mean to brag, but I am hella stacked.
If someone were going to write my biography tomorrow, the title could easily be, “Big Titties: The Gift and the Curse.”
The gift, because yes, sometimes having an ample bust can be a blessing. Like if you need to get out of a traffic ticket. Or if your main goal in life is to have someone at some point make it rain on you or spray Andre all over your ass.
If you have big tatties, these are the avenues of glory which for you are wide open.
But bountiful breastisses can also be a burden, especially when it comes to dressing them.
Well, my chesty sisters, prepare to be set free.
This is Wonderful Wednesday.
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Once or maybe even twice in a lifetime there comes an ass so heroic, so undeniably majestic and perfectly formed, that is deserves nothing less than a ticker tape parade.
Asses like these usually rise in the ranks of booty naturally, taking their rightful place in the annals of rump history with grace and apple bottomed aplomb.
These are the asses that deserve our admiration, our respect and our fear. These are the asses which have earned the right to wear ridiculous clothing items Ike Ass Capes. Yet in what I am assuming is an absurd attempt to glorify the curves of less than Minaj-like money makers, Forever 21 is steadily releasing Ass Caped clothing for everyday wear.
Cascading Tail Skirt: $17.80
Unless your ass runs into a burning building and saves a shitload of orphans and adorable Labrador puppies, it does not deserve to wear a cape.
Tiny Flower Tail Dress: $29.80
Until your ass can leap tall buildings in a single bound and is faster than a speeding bullet as well as being as powerful as a locomotive (as Nikki Minaj’s ass proved it was during heroic feats at last year’s Teen Choice Awards) then you do not get to put a cape on it.
Sheer Tiered Dress: $29.80
You certainly don’t get to pop some flowing poly-blend, Kermit the Frog colored cape on your ass and call it “tiered.” No one is fooled by this. Once again, if you ass did not strike fear into the hearts of men this week, if it did not solve the financial crisis or even help an old lady with her groceries, you do NOT get to buy capes for it.
Unless it’s Halloween. Then go crazy.
Forever 21, WTF?
One of the parts about writing this blog that gives me the most pleasure is making fun of Forever 21′s styling choices for their web model. Beige pleather knee length skirt coupled with black lace top that makes the model look like she has front butt. An insane pair of paints put together with a fairly normal top and then never seen or mentioned anywhere else on the site. The mystery acorn beanie and sequin shorts that seem to only exist when pair with something else. All of it, golden, treasured WTF which I luckily still have. But with Forever 21′s recent site redesign I have lost one very important piece to my delicious puzzle of ridicule.
Forever21.com no longer features these:
That’s right. The page headers which unfailingly always contained maddening styling choices and set the tone for WTFs within are now gone and with them leaves a piece of my personal happiness.
Forever 21, WTF?