That’s what Memorial Day is all about.
Celebrating our freedom as Americans to look at fat titties, drink beers, cook animal flesh over an open flame and wear cut-offs. Preferably all at the same time.
Welcome to your Memorial Day Fashion Guide Do’s & Dont’s.
God bless you all and God bless America.
Mineral Wash Denim Halter: $7.80
Looking at breasts that threaten to escape from acid wash bikini tops is the most patriotic shit you can you engage in.
Therefore, it is only right that you DO wear this top that looks like a left over from the wardrobe of a Guns N’ Roses video.
Welcome to the jungle, baby.
Studded Cut-Off Shorts: $19.80
As I mentioned before, cut-offs are an America tradition. Like apple pie and slavery.
Make sure you DO wriggle yourself into the tightest pair of these babies you can find. Extra points for pairing them with American flag cowboy boots.
Leopard Print Dress: $19.80
Leopard print. Super Tight. Coochie surprise short. I know it looks like a Memorial Day fashion slam dunk. But there’s one big problem with this otherwise perfect display of American style.
It’s only got one sleeve. Only got one shoulder.
That’s just unacceptable on Memorial Day. ‘Cus we’re Americans, damnit. And we don’t do ANYTHING half-assed, not even our sleeves.
Studded Vest: $27.80
This silky looker calls back to the days when men were men, women were women and you could pay $.05 to grab a chicks titty in the corner of the saloon. Two for one on Sundays!
I’d suggest wearing this with the acid wash bikini top and cut-off shorts.
Aviator sunglasses and obesity optional.
Happy Birthday, Benjamin Franklin! That’s what this holiday is for, right?