Tag Archives: accessories

Is it Fresh?

Call me crazy, but does anyone else think it is not such a hot idea to wear jewelry that looks like a horse smelling it’s own ass?


Wild Horse Ring: $3.80

I mean, he’s not even being subtle about it. The tail is at full lift extension. He’s peering around, utterly engrossed, nose gone deep like he’s inhaling a complex wine.

This is not a scene suitable for handshakes and first impressions.

Forever 21, WTF?


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Feathered Bib Bonanza

By the pubic feathers of Daffy Duck, what fresh fowl hell is this?


Layered Feather Necklace: $12.80

Meanwhile, at the Forever 21 factories, their team of crack designers is hard at work.


This necklace is the tangible, allergy inducing equivalent of a trend officially jumping the shark. This is literally just a bib of feathers. It looks like fetish wear for Cat Woman. In fact, if any of you try to defend this in the comments, I am going to ignore you and just assume you are indeed a cat or some other feline animal who has taught itself to use a computer or other communicative device.



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Wonderful Wednesday: All White Everything

Maybe it’s the unseasonably warm weather here in Los Angeles or just the eager beaver in me wanting to get a jump on my bangin’ ass Easter Outfit, but I have a serious hankering to wear me some white.


Turtle Neck Sequin Dress: $29.80

Now, I know this colorless color is mostly reserved for the Spring time and the dress code of rap mogul birthday parties, but wearing white can make a lady look so damn fine and fancified it’s worth jumping the gun.

Plus it’s Wonderful Wednesday. And on Wonderful Wednesday, we does what the fuck we WANTS.


Mesh Spaghetti Top: $19.80

There is no love lost between me and mesh anything. Most of the time it manages to make the person wearing it look somehow simultaneously sloppy AND like they’re trying too hard, but this top is an exception.

The soft dip of the fabric and the tight, neat circle spaces on the mesh makes it both work and weekend errand appropriate.


Embellished Knit Cardigan: $29.80

With a new season of Mad Men perched on the horizon, this ivory cardigan with its delicate bead trim is the perfect way to get your Peggy Olson on.


Beaded Burst Clutch: $22.80

We all know beaded Ice Queen envelope clutches are not for everyday wear (at least I HOPE we all know this) but on a special occasion or night out the all white appliqué is subdued enough to be classic and sparkly enough to be eye catching.


Sunglasses: $5.80

If these don’t make you feel like Beyonce on Caribbean yacht vacation then I don’t know what will.

Okay, I know what will but where are we going to find a diamond encrusted thong bikini and a Jay Z look-a-like on such short notice? Forget it, lady.

Forever 21, Wonderful.

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What Not to Wear on New Years Eve

New Years Eve is a beast of a holiday. It combines the unrealistic expectations of Valentine’s Day, the excessive drinking of a 21st birthday and all the outfit fretting of Halloween rolled into one ridiculous evening that by definition can’t help but disappoint.

This is made even worse by the assumption you should look like your outfit was weaved out of unicorn manes, your make up was applied by a magical fairy godmother and your hair was laid perfectly into place by singing woodland creatures.

Just in case you don’t have a team of fashion savvy mice to sew you a ball gown in time for this December 31, here’s a list of items to avoid wearing as you ring in the new year.


Headwrap: $3.80

This is why Swamis and genies of the lamp do not get laid on New Years Eve. That and they’re too busy either following a deeply spiritual, religious path or being a mythical creature of lore.


Bodycon Zebra Dress: $19.80

Pro tip: If you can avoid looking like you skinned a gay pride zebra and dipped it in Presto Polyester juice, please try. This is not cute.


Sequined Bomber Jacket: $19.80

Unless you plan on doing a slow motion cannon ball off a tall building to coincide with the midnight countdown, do not place this glittering mistake on your body.


Sequined Beret: $18.80

Girl, do I even have to say anything. Disco Mushroom is not a good look for anyone, especially at midnight. Make the resolution to keep your dignity in 2012.

Forever 21, Happy New Year!

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5 Ways to Dress like Jenny from the Block

There are few people in this world I dislike more than Jennifer Lopez. The fox fur eyelash wearing, mink stole flossing, mediocre diamond jockey who, despite having a closet full of shoes that cost more than most people’s major medical bills, insists on mooing about how “real” she is on every crappy album she ever shits out of her giant ass.

Miss Lopez has recently come under fire for leaving her husband Marc Anthony, taking up an age inappropriate affair with one of her backup dancers and pretending to be taking a cruise through her “old hood” in a commercial all about authenticity (only she was actually in LA and couldn’t be bothered to lower herself into crusty old Brooklyn for the shoot).

Basically, she’s been a heinous bitch forever but even more of a heinous bitch since the announcement of her divorce. To make matters much, much worse, she’s also EVERYWHERE right now.

Let’s take a look at some of her signature style pieces, now available at Forever 21.



Leatherette Braid Wool Hat: $18.80

These stupid ass floppy, felty looking hats were a J. Lo staple in the early 2000′s and she still rocks them from time to time with a slicked back ponytail, posing on the red carpet of whatever restaurant she’s opening that week.

I don’t recommend this look for mere mortals. I tried one on a while ago.


This is known as “instantly 45 effect.” Not cute.



Faux Fur Stole: $24.80

Jennifer Lopez is one of the few people left on the planet who publicly flaunt their gaudy collection of real fur and make no apologies about the small animals who wear tortured to death so she could look like a drag queen Grizzly Adams.



Rhinestone Panel Necklace: $14.80

Don’t be fooled but the rocks that she’s got. She’s just, she’s just the most shallow person on Earth. News flash, J. Lo, if you have to constantly remind yourself to “stay real,” it’s pretty fair indication you are a fake ass bitch.



Spotted Feather Lashes: $3.80

Of all the trappings here associated with this down to Earth individual known as Jennifer Lopez, these impractical, ego tripping fake eyelashes have got to be the most her. All you’d need to complete it would be some stick on rhinestones.


Rhinestone Drama Lashes: $1.00

There it is.




Chiffon Jumpsuit: $29.80

There is only one thing J. Lo loves more than being real, putting God first and her “public” and that’s herself. But next to that? Motherfucking jumpsuits. To her, they’re like breathing, yeaAAhh.

Jennifer Lopez, WTF?


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10 Must Haves for Thanksgiving Feasting

Last week I wrote a piece for The Frisky on how to stay sexy even while you stuff your face on Thanksgiving that highlighted some tried and true tricks of wardrobe and beauty.

Since Thanksgiving and its glorious second, third and fourth helpings of pie, potatoes and family drama are just a day away, this happy post is dedicated to getting your style ready for feasting.

Wool Blend Longline Poncho: $37.80

Pass that pudding! It’s Wonderful Wednesday. Continue reading


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Wonderful Wednesday: Holiday Party Outfits

My favorite thing about holiday parties is the sequins. It’s as if for a few days between Thanksgiving and January 1, the rules of the world are turned topsy-twinkly and everything, including wardrobes, seem to project a little extra shimmer.

Let us pay homage to the most wonderful time of the year with a post that’s all about holiday sparkle.


Sequin Sweetheart Dress: $27.80

Come join the party. It’s Wonderful Wednesday.

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Mystery Product WTF

Okay, literally…


Ribbed Trim Faux Fur: $9.80

I have no clue what these are. Honestly – WTF are these?


Faux fur accents? Accents? What? Do they go on your feet? Hooves? Hands? Head?


Forever 21, How the Fuck am I Supposed to WEAR these?


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The Melancholy Tale of the Bold Eagle

Proud Bold Eagle Ring, why do you weep?

Bold Eagle Ring: $3.80

What keeps you up nights, unable to sleep?

Is it the Rhinestone Peacock who glitters like a fairy?

Rhinestone Peacock Bracelet: $14.80

Or for the gay giraffe lovers, who still cannot marry?

Kissing Giraffe Bracelet: $10.80

Is it the taint biting panther that’s got you so down?

Panther Hinge Bracelet: $10.80

Is a psychotic elephant making you frown?

Safari Elephant Ring: $6.80

I know what it is! You’re going to be glad!

It’s the dead eyed horse! That’s what’s got you so mad!

Rhinestone Horse Ring: $5.80

Or maybe this panda is making you sad.

Rhinestone Panda Necklace: $5.80

A bird should fly high! Why ARE you so low?

With the rhinestone rabbit watching you …

Rhinestone Rabbit Ring: $3.80

the world may never know.


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Simply Irresistable

What are these?

Coked out Robert Palmer girls?


Just the accessories banner for Forever 21 online.

Seriously, the girl on the right is one good snort away from pitching you her idea for a reality show starring her and a Puerto Rican puppet named Angel who share a Willamsburg studio together and get into like, so many crazy, crazy hijinks and then fly to the moon using crystallized jelly beans as rocket fuel then get married, get divorced, and get married again only to have the marriage annulled when she finds out Angel is nothing more than cloth and stuffing fashioned to look like a person with a hole in the ass worked by a guy named Toby.

Ryan Seacrest is producing.

Forever21, Might as well Face it, You’re Addicted to WTF.

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