5 Ways to Dress like Jenny from the Block

There are few people in this world I dislike more than Jennifer Lopez. The fox fur eyelash wearing, mink stole flossing, mediocre diamond jockey who, despite having a closet full of shoes that cost more than most people’s major medical bills, insists on mooing about how “real” she is on every crappy album she ever shits out of her giant ass.

Miss Lopez has recently come under fire for leaving her husband Marc Anthony, taking up an age inappropriate affair with one of her backup dancers and pretending to be taking a cruise through her “old hood” in a commercial all about authenticity (only she was actually in LA and couldn’t be bothered to lower herself into crusty old Brooklyn for the shoot).

Basically, she’s been a heinous bitch forever but even more of a heinous bitch since the announcement of her divorce. To make matters much, much worse, she’s also EVERYWHERE right now.

Let’s take a look at some of her signature style pieces, now available at Forever 21.

1.

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Leatherette Braid Wool Hat: $18.80

These stupid ass floppy, felty looking hats were a J. Lo staple in the early 2000′s and she still rocks them from time to time with a slicked back ponytail, posing on the red carpet of whatever restaurant she’s opening that week.

I don’t recommend this look for mere mortals. I tried one on a while ago.

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This is known as “instantly 45 effect.” Not cute.

2.

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Faux Fur Stole: $24.80

Jennifer Lopez is one of the few people left on the planet who publicly flaunt their gaudy collection of real fur and make no apologies about the small animals who wear tortured to death so she could look like a drag queen Grizzly Adams.

3.

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Rhinestone Panel Necklace: $14.80

Don’t be fooled but the rocks that she’s got. She’s just, she’s just the most shallow person on Earth. News flash, J. Lo, if you have to constantly remind yourself to “stay real,” it’s pretty fair indication you are a fake ass bitch.

4.

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Spotted Feather Lashes: $3.80

Of all the trappings here associated with this down to Earth individual known as Jennifer Lopez, these impractical, ego tripping fake eyelashes have got to be the most her. All you’d need to complete it would be some stick on rhinestones.

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Rhinestone Drama Lashes: $1.00

There it is.

5.

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Chiffon Jumpsuit: $29.80

There is only one thing J. Lo loves more than being real, putting God first and her “public” and that’s herself. But next to that? Motherfucking jumpsuits. To her, they’re like breathing, yeaAAhh.

Jennifer Lopez, WTF?

16 Comments

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16 Responses to 5 Ways to Dress like Jenny from the Block

  1. That feather lashes will make you look like a drag queen! >_< It's not fab, it's skanky. Forever21, oh so skanky!

  2. Anne

    AGREED.

    Also I think it is somewhat telling that you could basically replace J Lo’s name with Kim Kardashian and it would still make sense (save the whole Bronx narrative). Why is it that the two celebrities who irritate me the most seem to make essentially identically heinous style choices?

  3. Mut

    Awesome. I, too, hate the “keepin’ it real” Fiat commercials. Yeah, Jenny, like you’re going to give up your chauffeur-driven Bentley for a tiny Italian car.

  4. Hilarious. I thought I was the only one who hated J.Lo.

  5. Bunni

    I like Hennifer Lopez better (aka Cartman’s left hand bka Mitch Connors).
    Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben! ^_~

  6. administrator

    Bunni – those were excellent episodes. South Park has a problem with her in general. There have been at least two episodes that start out with the boys playing dolls with “Miss Lopez” where they tell her she has to promise not to make more movies and music and then they usually blow her up.

  7. administrator

    Stephanie – EVERYONE hates J. Lo. She’s the Regina George of celebrities.

  8. administrator

    Mut – she didn’t even GO TO BROOKLYN to shoot it! She literally has a song called, “I’m Real.” Fakest person ever.

  9. administrator

    Anne – they do dress really similar, don’t they? J. Lo is WAY worse than Kim, though. Well … I guess they are both terrible in different ways. But J. Lo always pretends to be so down to Earth and normal and meanwhile she is probably using real pearls as anal beads right now.

  10. administrator

    Maria – this is a nod to J. Lo’s fox fur lashes. I can not BELIEVE someone could be that big a monster.

  11. Kat

    (only she was actually in LA and couldn’t be bothered to lower herself into crusty old Brooklyn for the shoot).

    SHE’S FROM THE BRONX.

    Don’t try to pawn her off on us!

  12. Tara

    …I think you look kind of awesome and badass in the hat, actually! Then again, I take issue with Maria’s implication that looking like a skanky drag queen isn’t fab, so maybe my judgement is a little weird about things haha.

  13. administrator

    Kat! I’m so sorry! My mistake.

  14. administrator

    Girl, you cray cray. I look like I should be passing the collection plate at church in that hat.

  15. Alyssa

    Fur eyelashes. WTF.

  16. Leah

    I give you…the many jumpsuits of J Lo. So great.
    http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2011/05/j_lo_jumpsuits.html

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