10 Must Haves for Thanksgiving Feasting

Last week I wrote a piece for The Frisky on how to stay sexy even while you stuff your face on Thanksgiving that highlighted some tried and true tricks of wardrobe and beauty.

Since Thanksgiving and its glorious second, third and fourth helpings of pie, potatoes and family drama are just a day away, this happy post is dedicated to getting your style ready for feasting.

Wool Blend Longline Poncho: $37.80

Pass that pudding! It’s Wonderful Wednesday.

1. Wear scarves. A well-placed scarf can provide warmth and excellent coverage against an encroaching double chin. Just be sure to have tissue handy for when you inevitably begin to suffer from the meat sweats. Scarves in this situation can only exacerbate the issue.

Cable Knit Scarf: $12.80

2. Try some heavy makeup. Rosy cheeks, smoky eyes, plenty of powder and loads of fake eyelashes — basically anything that will keep the attention on your face and off the fact that you’re finding it increasingly difficult to grunt your way out of a chair without the aid of others.

Love & Beauty Shimmer Shadow: $1.80

Eyeshadow Palette: $2.50

Love & Beauty Eyelash Duo: $3.80

Nourishing Lip Color: $1.50

3. Ponchos are a gut’s best friend. Ponchos are basically the fashion world saying it is okay to leave the house with a blanket thrown over yourself. When your objective is to hide the fact you have lost all self-control around candied yams, this is ideal.

Wool Blend Longline Poncho: $37.80

4. Layers. Layers are a tasty way to mask the plumping within. Try compressing everything with shapewear underneath, a mini skirt and dark tights on bottom, and a loose top. They’ll never guess you’re rolled up tighter than ground pork in a sausage. That is until you pass out, face first in the green bean casserole.

FIT Longline Boyshort: $7.80

FIT Sleeveless Bodysuit: $9.80

Ribbed Knit Tights: $8.80

Scalloped Texture Tights: $5.80

Essential Bodycon Skirt: $6.80

5. Heels. The perfect antidote to temporary cankles. Enough mulled wine and those babies will plump up like a couple of ballpark franks. It’s important to rock heels whenever possible during the holidays. They elongate your legs, make your ass look outrageous and slow down your stride on the way to the dessert table.

Closed Toe Patent Leatherette Pumps: $17.50

6. Wear dark colors. Not only are they slimming, darker prints and solid colors will hide stains, such as gravy globs and grease splatters, so you can soldier on in your quest for a third helping while still looking as chic as ever.

Cowl Neck Tunic Sweater: $29.80

7. Big accessories. A well-placed, oversized cocktail ring can distract from the unfortunate onset of swollen knuckles, while a dramatic bracelet can create the illusion of definition between your wrist and forearm.

Opaque Beaded Bracelet: $10.80

8. Show us your tits. The best thing about packing on extra pounds over the holidays is your breasts getting a little extra boost. Show them off while it lasts! Wear deep v-necks and scoop tops to accentuate what your momma’s lard-based bread pudding temporarily gave ya!

Paneled Sleeveless Dress: $27.80

9. Smell amazing. But not cornbread stuffing and honey roasted ham amazing. Find a sweet, vanilla-based scent and get closer than you normally would to the object of your affection. He’ll be too busy inhaling your exotic aroma to notice you’ve stolen the last slide of apple pie.

Violette Noir Perfume: $12.80

Keep an open mind about this one. I’ve smelled every single Forever 21 fragrance and the purple bottle contains a nice, not too sweet scent.

10. Sequins! My favorite trick. Cover yourself in it and stand directly in points of light. Your now full and luscious booty will be so sparkly and awash with glitter, men won’t be able to stop themselves from flocking around it like a disco ball at Studio 54.

Sequined Sweetheart Dress: $27.80

Forever 21, Wonderful.


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2 Responses to 10 Must Haves for Thanksgiving Feasting

  1. Kate

    ” Show us your tits. The best thing about packing on extra pounds over the holidays is your breasts getting a little extra boost. Show them off while it lasts!”

    Ahahahaha this is my favorite thing that you have ever said. And I have a lot of near-favorite things you’ve ever said.

  2. Ken

    Lol I think that poncho is more of a “WTF??” than a “Wonderful!”

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